Before I forget : Part 1 Four Weddings AND a Funeral?

originally posted: April 4, 2007

I think I am losing my mind, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Who doesn't want to forget a part of their past? I don't know if
my memory loss is temporary, due to prescribed mediciation or
caused by living near a government testing facility as a child.

I was shocked yesterday when I forgot that Elizabeth Berkley's character in
Showgirls was named "Nomi Malone". I pride myself on my knowledge
of meaningless trivia. I knew that cinematic masterpiece like that back
of my forehead and I forgot Nomi?!! I was shook. So I said to myself
"Self, you need to use your journal for something more than complaining
about your Mexican neighbors!" and here we are.

Part One: Part 1 Four Weddings & a Funeral?

The year was 1990something. It started innocently enough as a prank.
I wanted to get something unusual for my Mom so I became ordained
through The Ministries of Salvation and gave her my framed certificate.
That should have been the end of it but noooo, I had to brag about it and
show off my laminated Reverend card to friends. Now word was out on
the streets that there was a Ordained Minister available to the unwashed
masses of Northern Virginia. The thing is, I have a really bad track
record with my (performed) marriages. Confused? Let me explain.

Wedding number one: My first time! strictly ceremonial. This ceremony was
for a coworker and her boyfriend, I had it all planned, I wrote the vows (how rude)
Being the smart ass that I am I worked in "Do you promise to put up with her
PMS" I show up in jeans and they are dressed up in Gothic looking clothes. I ruined that one.

Duration: 2 years

Wedding number two: co-workers; female knocked up and in order to
get insurance for the baby's birth they needed to be married. Who ya gonna call?
you got it...Me.

Duration: The asshole didn't even stick around for the birth! Turns out he was
gay, He left her in Florida with his mother and he went to Texas.

Wedding number three: The worse! The groom whose name escape me but
I am sure can be found in a police line-up somewhere was high as a kite. I get
a call from my childhood friend begging me to perform a ceremony for her friends
who are leaving town. I say no problem, she gives me the "restaurants" name and
directions and the countdown begins. In the interim I talk to my sister and give
her the restaurants name and she said "are you sure?" in a worried tone. It was too late to cancel. I show up to this restaurant (aka Redneck Biker Bar) dressed in a cute summer outfit which was in stark contrast to the sea of leather and Harley Davidson T-shirts before me. It wasn't until I got there that I was informed that I would be performing the ceremony on a platform and the bride would be coming down the aisle on the back of a motorcycle! I wanted to run but I was too scared! I was introduced to the groom who as luck would have it was bailed out of jail earlier that morning. How did he thank me for doing this favor for him? By feeling me up! The bastardly groom was still high from the night before and was doing shots of Jagermeister right up to the moment of the ceremony. The bridesmaids were hard looking and were giving me dirty looks DURING the ceremony. I couldn't get out of the place fast enough! I have a picture of me with the bride and groom, you can see my discomfort in the photo, what with him feeling me up during it. I no longer am in contact with my childhood friend.

Duration: unknown. My sister swears that she saw an article in the paper about the bride dying in a suspicious fire shortly after the ceremony another friend said she was still above ground. It has almost become an Urban Legend.

Wedding number four: Another favor for a friend. The setting was a pool hall, the groom and bride were late. I have no idea who these people were, all that I know is that they were pissing me off by wasting my time. They were fighting right up until the ceremony's' start. The couple were biracial and I was sensing some family tension.

Duration: 0 days; they had a fight and never filed the papers.



I told myself I would not perform another ceremony after that one but ended up
performing a re-commitment ceremony for my husbands brother and his wife.
It was outdoorsy and romantic, the complete opposite of me.

never again.