Tom Sizemore gave my computer Digital Herpes!

originally posted: November 12, 2005 - Saturday

I admit it I bought his sex scandal DVD

review here: (NSFW or Home or eyes for that matter)

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3156

I let my curiousty get the best of me and I tell you
it wasn't pretty. It was a train wreck set to porn.

Here us a synopsis:

1. He is covinced that the LAPD is out to get him. (if they weren't already they will be now since he wishes them all dead and "hopes they have lots of kids")
2. He loves prostitutes...
3. almost as much as drugs
4. He is an assman
5. He has a cache of bizarre sex toys
6. Whatever he is taking it causes him to sweat profusely
7. He has a tattoo right above his penis that reads either "Heidi" (as in Heidi Fleis)
8. He does not look good in spandex bicycle shorts with his butt crack showing

Purchasing that DVD from a unsavory site has wreaked havoc on my laptop, I have been bombarded with spam messages promising to make my non-exsistent penis hard, find me horny singles whores in my area (not looking) and surprisingly a few stock tips. I was also surprised to see that a South African member of Royalty wants to cut me a check for millions.

Moral of the story: If you don't have morals arm yourself with Mcafee, Nortons, Microsoft Anti-Spyware, Ad-aware, Pop-up Blocker, Kill Ad ....well nevermind I have all of those!

Get a Mac I am sure they have less problems than PCs.

Ignorance is Bliss (Thanks toTivo)

originally posted: November 20, 2005 - Sunday

Ever since I have become a part of the Tivo culture I have become retarded when it comes to global events be it world, regional or local. I know nothing. And why should I when I can watch America's Next Top Model, Breaking Bonaduche or House Hunters commercial-free?

The only time I do watch anything that resembles a news program is when Tivo records it for me based on their recommendations or if say there is a MTV news break in between Real World Austin.

The only time I read the newspaper is at work and I usually go straight to the entertainment section, and then it is off to the crime beat to see if any of my old high school friends have been arrested and then to the Obituaries to see if anyone I know has died. Inevitably I get stuck in a conversation with someone who mentions the devastation in (insert war-torn country here) I just nod along that it is awful and say something to the effect of "Yes I heard, that's so terrible" in a "tsk tsk" sort of way but what I really mean is.... "There was a flood?? When??" or “There's a War? I thought that ended in ' 04?”

I really should pick up a newspaper or watch the news every millennium or so. But if I did that I would miss the Gilmore Girls marathon on ABC Family Channel and that would blow.

This post was not sponsored by: http://www.tivo.com

Reality (TV) Overload!

originally posted: January 21, 2006 - Saturday

You may have noticed thant I have am someone enamored with my Tivo's, (yes I said Tivo's)!

I need two to keep up with my favorite programs.It's not as bad as it looks though, the beauty of Tivo
is that you can scan through all the bullshit commericials and watch an hour show in less than 40 minutes.

Below is my weekly TV schedule:


24
Soaps
American Idol
America's Next Top Model - reruns
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Fit Club
Cops
Dirty Jobs
Everyday Italian
House Hunters
Iron Chef
Iron Chef America
Judge Alex
Judge Judy
Lost
My Sweet Sixteen
Paula's Home Cooking

Project Runway
Smalls space Big Style
SNL
The Girlmore Girls
The Real World
The Surreal Life



I'm sure there are more but at this point I am feeling slightly embarassed that I am such an addict.

I think I should take up something more productive like becoming a Bag Chaser and create a Powder Point Presentation. Ok Ok I just wanted to see if I could work in a few slang references for hillbilly herion, meth,Hydro Hypes; Ice, Ice Cream. Icee, Ish, Izice, Jab,Shiznit, Shiznitty, Shizzo, Shnizzie Snort, Shwack, Skeech, Sketch, Ski, Skitz, Sky Rocks, Sliggers, Smiley Smile, Smurf Dope, Smzl, Snaps, Sniff, Space Food, Spaceman, Spagack, Sparacked, Sparked, Sparkle, Speed Racer, Spin, Spin, Spin, Spinack, Spindarella, Spinney Boo, Spinning, Spishak, Spook, Sprack.

There is so more. remember kids:

When it comes to Drugs and especially TIVO! I leave the following message inspired by former First Lady Nancy Reagan:







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Why do Mexicans congregrate at 7-11's?

originally posted: November 28, 2005 - Monday

I have officially boycotted 7-11's in my area

(known as Land of Drywallers) or "tierra de drywallers"

These guys stand and loiter in front of 7-11's under

the premise of looking for work but basically use the

place as one or more of the following:

toilet - the stinky stench of urine is overwhelming.

bar/tavern - who says beer is unacceptable at 5 am?

Gang meeting ground - "MS-13" is spray painted on every wall

I am not exaggerating at all. There are sometimes over 50 men

of hispanic origin standing out there everyday. I would take a

picture if I didn't think I would have the ACLU picketing on my

front lawn. PLUS there's a family of 28 living in a house 3 doors

down, So I will seethe through the internet.

dramatic re-enactment:

If this keeps up I am moving to Mexico, I am sure

that country is empty by now!

I am not Kathy Griffin.

originally posted: February 19, 2006 - Sunday

Over the span of three days I had a stalker. For whatever reason she thought I was television celebrity Kathy Griffin. I was somewhat let down when I realized she wasn't captivated my brilliance but by an actual celebrity. I felt an immediate connection with this stalker because she wasn't willing to go the extra mile and travel to stalk me. She wasn't very motivated. She was a treasure.




I miss her already.


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Who does she think she is? Does she think she can throw me away like yesterdays newspaper! I will not be ignored! Perhaps I will stalk her and then callously dump her without a second thought.

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Damn her, damn her to hell. (dramatic sob)

product reviews Ambien CR , Tramadol, Lift Off , and Correctol

originally posted: March 10, 2006 - Friday

I have decided to implement a Product review section on my blog. to help you the consumer with product selections. I will only review products that I have used (and in some cases abused)

Note: Proceed with caution! In the matter of prescription medications I recommend you go to your doctor or a reliable overseas internet doctor, and do not exceed the recommended dosage.

Product	Image	What they say / What I say
Ambien CR (controlled release)		use for occasional sleeplessness. My Review: I took a coupon (found in my Soap Digest) to my doctor and he wrote me a prescription for 3 refills. It was awesome! Or so I thought. This is not the same Ambien I took before. My advice to anyone thinking of taking this: once you take it GO TO BED. One evening I didn't and decided that I wanted a candy bar. I drove to CVS and went on to buy over 40 bucks of various chocolate products. What is frighting about this is that I have no recollection of this event occuring until the next day. My only clue was a receipt in my pocket showing all of the purchases I made that evening...or morning it was after midnight after all. I can only imagine what those cashiers thought of this mad woman grabbing chocolate covered pringles, ice cream and candy bars. They must thought I was some lunatic bulimic on a bender. The new Ambien CR is a calk walk compare to the original. In my opion the CR stands CRap!
Tramadol / Ultracet		for moderate to sever pain My Review: My husband was prescribed this for something....I forget what, but naturally I confiscated it since I was suffering excruciating pain of my hangnail. Don't feel bad for him though I let him have my advil. The medication works. really, really well. The only drawback is if anyone tries to ruin your *peaceful easy feeling* you turn into Naomi Campbell and start raging out.. This medication is nothing compared to the magical "P's" (Percocet and Percodan) but it helps you overcome the trauma of hangnails.
Herbalife Lift Off		effervescent energy drink dietary supplement, a first-to-market, sugar-free, zero-calorie, effervescent energy drink in a dissolvable tablet form. My Review: okay I got roped into buying this product from an overzealous herbalife salesman who would not take no for an answer. He insisted I taste a sample of this miracle product. One drink and I would hooked. It helped me recover from my morning Ambien hangover! It was a miracle tablet to me, you just pop it in a bottle of spring water and you are buzzing like a honeybee. However, today I learned that each table has 75 mg of caffeine, and I drank 4 of them today! WTF! I'll get some sleep by Saturday I'm sure. Taken in moderation I'm sure this is a helpful product.
Correctol		"for gentle overnight relief my review: GENTLE OVERNIGHT RELIEF MY ASS!"

The republicans are coming after me!

originally posted: March 15, 2006

Last year in a moment of patriotic weakness I donated to the Republican Party. For that honor I received a nice picture of George W. and Laura Bush and a Christmas card. It was great, I framed the photo and pretended that we were friends.

HOWEVER

Months go by with no word from my new friends the Bushes...BUT lately I have been getting these pledge requests from the Repulican National Commitee that almost sound threatening! Seriously, it's reminding me of the days when my credit was less than stellar I grew lax on making my payments and the credit card companies started sending me bad letters. The high pressure "we know you don't want to be deatbeat, remember we know where you live and work so it's in your best interest to pay of we will be forced to take you to court and humiliate you in front of Judge Joe Brown" type.

The GOP have all sorts of ideas for me to drum up support for the republicans. One Idea? They want me to form a neighborhood GOP block party. With my neighbors? Sure that'll go over well, seeing none of my neighbors like me and I would need an interpreter for my mexican neighbors and their EXTENDED family/dayworkers living in their SINGLE family home.

I would scan and post these letters I get from them but I am sure that faster than you can say "Chandra Levy" I'd be found floating in the Potomac River with a "W is for Women" bumper sticker over my eyes.

I was going to throw my vote to Ralph Nader in '08 but I found some scandalous info on Saint Ralph: Ralph Nader's Skeleton Closet

I'll vote for someone less corrupt...is Sharpton running in '08?



wait there might be hope...George Bushes "mini-me" Yee haw!