Reality (TV) Overload!

originally posted: January 21, 2006 - Saturday

You may have noticed thant I have am someone enamored with my Tivo's, (yes I said Tivo's)!

I need two to keep up with my favorite programs.It's not as bad as it looks though, the beauty of Tivo
is that you can scan through all the bullshit commericials and watch an hour show in less than 40 minutes.

Below is my weekly TV schedule:


24
Soaps
American Idol
America's Next Top Model - reruns
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Fit Club
Cops
Dirty Jobs
Everyday Italian
House Hunters
Iron Chef
Iron Chef America
Judge Alex
Judge Judy
Lost
My Sweet Sixteen
Paula's Home Cooking

Project Runway
Smalls space Big Style
SNL
The Girlmore Girls
The Real World
The Surreal Life



I'm sure there are more but at this point I am feeling slightly embarassed that I am such an addict.

I think I should take up something more productive like becoming a Bag Chaser and create a Powder Point Presentation. Ok Ok I just wanted to see if I could work in a few slang references for hillbilly herion, meth,Hydro Hypes; Ice, Ice Cream. Icee, Ish, Izice, Jab,Shiznit, Shiznitty, Shizzo, Shnizzie Snort, Shwack, Skeech, Sketch, Ski, Skitz, Sky Rocks, Sliggers, Smiley Smile, Smurf Dope, Smzl, Snaps, Sniff, Space Food, Spaceman, Spagack, Sparacked, Sparked, Sparkle, Speed Racer, Spin, Spin, Spin, Spinack, Spindarella, Spinney Boo, Spinning, Spishak, Spook, Sprack.

There is so more. remember kids:

When it comes to Drugs and especially TIVO! I leave the following message inspired by former First Lady Nancy Reagan:







.

Why do Mexicans congregrate at 7-11's?

originally posted: November 28, 2005 - Monday

I have officially boycotted 7-11's in my area

(known as Land of Drywallers) or "tierra de drywallers"

These guys stand and loiter in front of 7-11's under

the premise of looking for work but basically use the

place as one or more of the following:

toilet - the stinky stench of urine is overwhelming.

bar/tavern - who says beer is unacceptable at 5 am?

Gang meeting ground - "MS-13" is spray painted on every wall

I am not exaggerating at all. There are sometimes over 50 men

of hispanic origin standing out there everyday. I would take a

picture if I didn't think I would have the ACLU picketing on my

front lawn. PLUS there's a family of 28 living in a house 3 doors

down, So I will seethe through the internet.

dramatic re-enactment:

If this keeps up I am moving to Mexico, I am sure

that country is empty by now!

50 of the most random questions ever

originally posted: March 27, 2006

50 of the most random questions ever:

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
making/burning Mac & cheese

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank?
yesterday

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?
Over 3000. for a stupid gigantic TV I don't ever get to watch

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
of course

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
about a month ago

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
yes

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000?
yes

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
a couple of years ago for a wedding

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No

10. Are you popular?
I'm the most famous person you've never heard of.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Black Cherry Vanilla Coke

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail?
Netflix (I am boycotting Blockbuster)

13. Do you wash your car?
Hardly ever

14. Last fast food you ate?
burnt Mac & Cheese

15. Where were you last week today?
what is this, a fucking interigation?

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
yes

7. What bank do you use?
hello? Identity theft??? bite me

18. Do you own any land?
yes (the land my house sits on)

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
Super Fly Cracker The Female Pimp

20. Your dream vacation?
Tahiti

21. Last boat ride you went on?
cruise in 99 or 2000 I forget

23. Are you in love?
everyday I look in the mirror

24. Do you have any single friends?
yes

25. Last play you saw?
"Movin' Out" but I preferred "Mama Mia"

26. Have you been to New York?
NO

27. What are your plans for tonight?
finishing this list goddamn it's taking forever

28.Last concert you went to?
I hate crowds. Concerts are for teens

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Where does Shatner live?

30. Ever go to camp?
no my mom was too cheap, which is for the best most camp kids were molested.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
"if Natalie spent as much time with her studies as she does entertaining the class she would pass World history" I guess that would make it a No.

32. What is your current GPA?
German Propaganda Archive?? What is this Nazi shit? back to the questions

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Yes (Britney Spears Fantasy) give it a chance before you judge

34. Are you hungry?
no I am about to hurl from that effin Mac & Cheese

35. Where is your best friend located?
Arlingt....wait where is Shatner living?

36. Do you own a cowboy hat?
no but my Ameicanized illegal Mexican neighbors wear them with belt buckles the size of pumpkins.

37. Do you have a tan?
I am white as rice.

38. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
been there done that.

39. Do you collect anything?
expensive electronic equpiment.

40. Is this quiz annoying?
si

41. Last time you got pulled over?
who cares, my claim to local fame is being pulled over for speeding in two different counties on the SAME DAY and getting no tickets! Not even a driver diversion program. My excuse? I was traumatized over my grandma's death and was running late to her wake. I wasn't really that late.....I just like to drive fast. sorry grammy.

42. Ever been arrested?
never (juvenille records are sealed)

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break?
why? so I can be abducted and held for ransom? I know my family they would not pay up and I would end up like Maria full of Grace swallowing ballons of heroin or illegal fireworks.

44. Do you like hot sauce?
nada

45. Last time you drove somewhere?
today

46. Do you need to do laundry?
si senor

47. How many friends do you have?
I can count my real friends on one hand, but it is a freakish hand with 13 fingers.

48. Are you someones best friend?
of course

49. Are you rich?
I'm not broke, I don't eat government cheese. I would say I am comfortably numb..

50. What are you thinking right this minute?
T NasTy (the Mad Bulletin Boarder)

Is it wrong to....

originally posted: April,1.2006

1. To secretly wish my elderly cat would die because he smells?

2. To want to reach into the tv set and slap that creepy little welchs grape juice kid?

3. To think that basketball playing autistic kid is getting "too hollywood"

4. To kill a man just to watch him die?

5. To make up stories (see number 4) to make yourself seem edgy?

In other news:

I can hardly breath because I mowed the grass today.

My Mexican neighbors widened their driveway.

My dog seems to have psorisis or a mental disorder.

My daughters bird bit me and mocked me afterwards.

I am still missing the friend I put the magenta alert out on.

I bought an Ipod nano that I don't need.

I deleted that effin myspacer "blah blah blah, shutup bitch" because her non-stop retarded bulletins.

I am holding myself responsible for the George Mason loss.

46 more questions.

originally posted: April 4, 2006



1. Song that always makes you sad?
"Popozao" - Kevin Federline

2. Last thing you bought?
Burrito Supreme

3. Last person you argued with?
My dog. the mofo thinks he owns the couch. but the bitch didn't talk back.

4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?
who are you?

5. One of your stuffed animals names as a kid?
Teddy. and it was a bear. how original

6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?
oh, frick yea! I have all their shit and the itunes originals.
I feel whoever made this questionaire is not giving the BL's
the proper respect and I will find you and you'll regret your
little dig at them. you hear me? well see me...well...see my
words? oh you're an asshole hiding behind a lame myspace questionaire.

7. Favorite day of the week?
one day is no different than the next for me. But if I had to pick a day I would have to say Wednesday if only for the fine TV programing that occurs that evening.

8. Favorite Sundae topping?
Ambien

9. Did you take Piano lessons?
piano lessons? I grew up in the hood where we had to fight everyday for survival. This is emotional. My best friend (who was athleticly gifted) was shot in front of me by a rival gang...oh wait that ways "Boyz in the Hood" nope, no piano lessons.

10. Most frequently song played on your I-tunes?
"just a girl" by No doubt with "Number 1" by Goldfrapp coming in a close second.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
I make no secret of any of the programs I watch, I adore reality TV. No secrets here...oh what the fuck...Charlie Rose.

12. would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Okay I am white (or blue), female and don't want to break a nail so I choose neither.

13. Date someone older or younger?
This will piss off my husband, several of my boyfriends and that guy from the mall but I'll say older.

14. One place you could travel right now?
Our Nations Capital, that would be Washington D.C.

15. Do you use umbrellas?
rarely, why risk electrocution. Speaking of Ted Bundy...I'll take this moment to give a shout out to my nigga Ann Rule...holla!

16. Do you know all the words to the canadian national anthem?
no, but I know it includes the words: Gretsky, Moosehead and Eh?

17. Favorite Cheese
Government

18. The Smiths or the Cure?
The Cure, all the way!

19. do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes (guys too)?
Brunnettes I guess...shit I am only at number 19? I should be getting paid for this!

20. best job you ever had?
Underaged Lemonade Vendor

21. did you go to your high school prom?
No I couldn't find a sitter for the kids.

22. perfect time to wake up at?
10 am - no 11 am - no noonish

23. perfect time to go to bed?
precisely at midnightish or maybe at 3

24. do you use your queen right away in chess?
are you calling me a dyke?

25. have you been in a car accident?
I was no where near the scene and can't be charged so f*ck off wanka

26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?
:::flashback:::: coat hangers! the dreadful coat hangers!
papa can you hear me? no? oh that's right you died! thanks
for bringing up those pleasant memories Dr. Phil!

27. what age is this exciting life over for you?
I am surpassing the predictions of the "Ye Ole Biorhythm Machine" at Shakeys. It said I would be dead in the mid 90's

28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager in?
probably in the 70's because it was all about hair and fashion.

29. favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
Janzen bo-bo's. You can't go wrong with canvas.

30. do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
My Vice Principals underwear.

31. were you in track and field?
in Junior High....but high school was err... high school. Hell, we had a smoking court. who could run with a marlboro hanging out of your mouth?

32. were you ever in a school talent show?
yes. and some little bitch who knew a few ballet steps beat us. but we got way more applause than that biatch! it was all about politics...and that was elementary school.

33. have you ever written in a library book?
Yes and I make it a point to drive to the public library and deface atleast 12 books a week to keep up the tradition.

34. allergic to?
allergy medication...isn't it ironic?

35. favorite fruit?
Tie: apples and Ryan Seacrest

36. have you watched sex and the city?
guilty.

37. baseball hat or toque?
thanks for wasting my time I had to look up "toque" on Wikpedia.org. trying to look smart? Back to the question, neither I don't want "hat hair"

38. do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?
first I make sure none of the cons are eyeing my prize. huh? err shampoo

39. wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
no you lubricate it dumbass...huh? wait damn toothbrush?

40. pen or pencil?
I am noticing the questions are getting as lame as my responses. pencil.

41. have you ever gambled at a casino?
on both coasts.

42. have you thrown up on a plane?
Yes, Oceanic Flight 815 but hey I was sitting next to a guy name HURLey.

43. have you thrown up in a car?
in, on and around.

44. have you thrown up at work?
not that I know of.

45. do you scream on roller coasters?
like a banshee

46. how many times a day roughly do you go on myspace?
I gingerly sign on one or twelve hundreds times a day.

So many questionaires so little time

originally posted: November 8, 2006

1. Do you still talk with the first person you kissed?
no, he is in prison and those fuckin' calls are like 3 bucks a minute

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
no, not interested in seeing anyones "business"

3. Are you obsessed with someone?
God where do I start? Danny Bonaduce, Tom Sizemore, Ted Nugent, George Bush, Kathy Griffin and Usher.

4. What is the best thing about your job?
clocking out, I hate working.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
ugh, these questionaires are so juvenile.

7. Did you get any compliments today?
sorta, my Esthetician said my skin didn't seem as dry as it was on my last appointment.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Xanax, Virginia : population 1

9. When was the last time you kissed someone?
my husband. no tongue, some groping.

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
Guys. Most girls think I am a bitch...imagine that? stupid whores.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
Probably somewhere, the decor of my house screams of 1970's/rent-a-center/yard sale/white trash

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Flying....without the benefit of prescribed medication.

14. Where have you lived most of your life?
lovely crime ridden traffic-congested northern Virginia

15. Why is the sky blue?
Do I look like a meteorologist?
lets see...because...errr....ahhh
uhhhh....what sickbitch said.

16. Where do you see yourself in 4 years?
still on myspace (if it isn't outlawed) singing in the rain...or in a mental ward.

17. What's your favorite scent?
Tie: Chanel no. 5 or erotic turban sweat

18. What is your least favorite sound
Tie: the dentist drill and The Snuggles Bear

19. Are you moody?
fuck off

20. Favorite movie of all time?

Drama - Godfather II
Comedy - The Naked Gun
Indie - The Believer
Foreign - Run Lola Run
Documentary - The Smashing Machine
Campy - Based on an Untrue Story

21. Have you ever done anything hurtful to a classmate?
I was the class clown and I had a slight mean streak.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
yes, court ordered as a juvenile and in my opinion I think it is a load of bullshit. overpriced. useless. unproductive. Kinda like me without a degree.

23. Have you ever played spin the bottle?
who didn't?

24. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
yes....among other things.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
who didn't? oh yeah, those stupid whores I was talking about in question ..10

26. Have you ever gone camping?
yes, and I hated it. The outdoors are for the ...birds.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
no but I slept with him....kidding! (I have family reading this)

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
no, have you even noticed that most ooogly fat people go there?

29. Have you ever gone streaking?
Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
more than the average person, very very very creepy ones very very...this fucking magnetic personality of mine draws them in like flies. I should wrote a book...seriously.

31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
I don't recall.

Natalie notices that there is no question number 32

33. Have you ever gone to a party?
ugh...who writes these questions? duh yeah

34. Have you ever been in love?
yes and it's a battlefield.

35. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend?
no, I am usually the betrayer...just my nature.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
yeah, and i still do.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?
are the Bahamas a state?

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
Oh heavens no!

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
do not get me started with hair horror stories.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day?
That doesn't seem natural, but I have had two FF meals in one day. What can I say? I have an aversion to cooking.

41. Last song you listened to?
Foo Fighters - Everlong

42. Have you ever spied on someone?
yes all the time I am a nosey biotch.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
have you?

45. Who was the last person who called you??
My hair salon reminding me of my appointment tomorrow with my fabulously out there stylist who I swear should have his own reality show, he makes Jonathon Antin (Blow Out) look like a amateur

46. When was the last time you slept for 12 hours straight?
when I was 15 and went three days without sleeping and then I crashed, when I woke up I had no idea what day it was...awesome.

47. Have you ever been cheated on by someone?
who hasn't...but I gave as good as I got.

48. Have you ever stolen anything?
yes....but I'm no Winonna Ryder.

49. Have you ever consumed egg nog?
yes and it tastes like shit.

50. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
In the passenger seat of Mr. Tom Sizemores '91 Hyundai oh yeah...or the backseat wink wink.

Get to know me even more.

originally posted: June 24, 2006

1) How old do you wish you were?
about 24 when I has a really tight bod from karate

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
at home...way too close to the action

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
shake rattle & roll...oh yea and curse like a sailor.

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
a veritable saint I would say. but I have always been called a sinner.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
it would be prominently displayed on my neck, it would read "FU MOFO" <--- there is a story behind that.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language?
Spanish and Vietnamese so I could find out what
my neighbors and my manicurists are saying about
me in FRONT of my face. So rude. But I am so self
involved I am assuming that I am the topic of every
discussion. Yeah, they are talking about me.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
no and I don't want to. I might as well be a serial killer
because I definitely like to "keep to myself" I hate small talk and BBQ's. I end up saying something offensive because I have been on the internet so long nothing is taboo. I mean, really, my 68 year old neighbor wouldn't possibly comprehend goatse

8) What do you consider a vacation?
a refill.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
not at all. Anyone who seriously believes in that crap has issues. But yes occasionally I read them but in my opinion "The Magic 8-Ball" is way more accurate.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
ummm...move out of my chair or move out of the way sure but I hate packing so they will have to move along and find someone more flexible.

11) Are you touchy feely?
Oh Heavens No!

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
I believe I can Fly, I believe I can touch the sky.

13) Dream job?
My dream would be not to have any jobs. But if I must choose I'd say a caretaker for an wealthy elderly gentleman (with no meddling kids) whose knocking on heavens door....oh yes and he must be able to hold a pen in his hand.

14) Favorite channel?
HGTV and VH1 and the gay channel Bravo

15) Favorite place to go on the wknds?
stay home...fuck driving with all those lunatics and gangbangers out there

16) Showers or Baths?
must a choose....I like my aromatic B.O. funk. rain showers

17) Do you paint your nails?
No that gossipy Vietnamese bitch that from no. 6 does them. She's talking about me and I tip this bitch...that's rich.

18) Do you trust people easily?
no rarely. I have read enough true crime books and watched enough Judge Judy etal. that I don't even trust myself.


19) What are your Phobias?
spiders, storms.heights and uncircumcized...things.

20.) Do you want kids?
no more..all though I may adopt some street kids for
the summer...someone needs to mow the lawn.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yeah right that is all I need "Exhibit A-342 for the court labeled "The Journals" no thanks.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
incoherent

23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
sappy commercials. Get me everytime.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
light

25) Are you paranoid?
Is Al Gore a boring blowhard?

26) Are you impatient?
ALWAYS

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
this is 2007 who cares? (err I mean 2006)

29) Have you been burned by love?
Yes. but my nickname was the "Human Flame Thrower"
so I may mave been singed but there are a few guys
who have voodoo dolls in my likeness. P*ssys

30) What's your favorite pick up line?
no pick up line just a simple statement (to a coworker bringing in his wife or girl in for the first time) that's funny: "Wow, you got a new girlfriend...I didn't like the girl you had in here yesterday she was A BITCH"

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
Clint Eastwood by the Gorrilaz

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
lets see...I was scared....there was an awful storm.

33) What did the last text on your cell phone say?
confirmation plans for dinner in Springfield on Monday.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
funny you should ask...I fell asleep in the tub and then my husband then woke me up from a perfectly comfy sleep to drag me in bed, atleast I think it was my hubby....and my tub....and my house.

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
generic cotton tee.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
Sid and Nancy. Can't get enough of that

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
ipod, palm pilot, cell phone (nerd nerd nerd)

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
floral pattern

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
about 70 and change

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
entrails....and for personal reasons I'd rather not go into right now.

41) What's your favorite town/city?
L'Enfant Plaza in DC ...great shops and snobby gays,
you gotta love it.

42) I can't wait till:
this fucking quiz is over, what is this "War and Peace"?

43) Who got you to join MySpace?
I joined because all the cool kids were doing it. No, I had other motives...spying on friends and family.

44) What did you have for dinner last night
Queen Victoria Filet, sweet potato and coconut shrimp
for my birthday dinner at the Outback steakhouse and the lame employees sang me happy birthday...even though I requested this I pretended that I was slightly embarassed.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5 foot whatever you stalker! How big is your schlong? huh? huh? no answer? I thought so. tables turned. score one for Nat

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
No. I'd like to keep my teeth and possessions

47) Do you own a gun?
Yes a purty black .44 special

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water or agua

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
my cunning wit and ability to make them think they can't get anyone better. and a little GHB in the drink helps.

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
probably I am planning on looking up the symptons more carefully so I can complain to my doctor that I have it so I can get that Lindsay Lohan med Adderal

51) What time did you wake up today?
about 8am

52) Current worry?
getting the convertible inspected, those goddamn grifter mechanics see a lady and think it's payday.

53) Current hate?
where to start? illegal aliens taking the jobs I don't want. Hollywood liberals, lawn chairs, traffic, snobby foreigners, working, car payments, unresponsible teens. ect ect ect

54) Favorite place to be?
In the backyard reading the tabs

55) Where would you like to travel?
Within the USA, fuck those foreigners they all hate us so why bother wasting the money on airfare. I could easily recreate the experience at McDonalds by having a mexican spit on my burger than dropping a few
grand to go to Paris and have them piss in my soup.

56) What do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully out of Virginia...I swear I think it takes a Government pardon to be released.

57) Last thing you ate?
a 4 dollar hotdog from Wolftrap. (not woth it.....at all)

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Sister Sledge, Stones. Rob base, Slick Rick, Bowie. Sinatra, Sir Mix Alot whateva

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
an awful singer in Lord of the Dance. Her voice was so HIGH it made small babies in the audience cry. seriously.

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
unexplained seizure probably from Vioxx....I need to jump on that legal banwagon I have neurology reports to prove it....did Cochran die? He seemed like a bitchin' lawyer all crooked and preacher-like.

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
I can only imagine the amount of myspacers who are mesmerized by the hue of my blue skin.

62) What's your favorite candy?
skittles, but the rainbow taste like shit

63) What song do you want played at your funeral?
the last song on my playlist "I did it My Way" By Frank Sinatra although I wish he made a song " I did it mostly my way" anyway, that's the song and it's in my living will so if they don't play it I will haunt them.



word.

I'm just a patriotic mess.

originally posted: July 7, 2006



Ok, so it all starts innocently enough.



As per my daily routine I read my gossip sites starting with
The New York Post Page Six. I prefer nonsense news over actual news because it's less depressing. The lead article that day was about George (douche) Clooney's former agent who hightailed it out of Hollywood to film the documentary "Young Americans" about U.S. Marines fighting insurgents in Iraq (read about it here) My heart starts pumping red, white and blue and I immediately go to Pat Dollard's site and view clips of his documentary:





After viewing the clips I am so impressed I donate money to offset his production costs...oh yeah I also buy the CD "Blood for Blood Outlaw Anthems" that is featured in the documentary. Okay. I get a nice email from Pat Dollard thanking me for the donation. It should have stopped there. But I never do anything in moderation. I immediately join two more patriotic organizations which I commended myself for. The third time is the charm so I go one step further and adopt a soldier! I made sure it was someone who lives far away from me because the last thing I need is some shell shocked veteran knocking on my door looking for his new "Mommy". I chose a soldier from Minnesota, In my vivid imagination he is somehow related to music idol Prince, but he is taller and has beard stubble...anyway I digress. I made sure my soldier was on the front lines and not some pampered pretty boy wasting time in Biloxi Mississippi. Hell, if I am shelling out money I want an authentic G.I. Joe or in this case G.I. Joshua. So I chose about 60 dollars worth of stuff off of his gift list. Being patriotic is a pain in my ass and my pocket. I wonder if Joshua will appreciate my gifts? I wonder if there really is a Joshua? Who is to say that this isn't some scam created by some ex-convict in order to get my credit card information, create new accounts in my name and screw up my credit? Shit now I have to go and check my credit report!

I know these donations will get the Republican National Party on my back again!

Damn! Why was I born with a heart? I am such a mark.

Updates and Observations

originally posted: October 13, 2006


Updates and Observations


I am finding myself less interested in TV these days and this worries me. In this past I planned my schedule around it. The only shows I watch are Project Runway, Dancing with the 'tards, Lost, and House Hunters



Speaking of House Hunters (a show hosted by Suzanne Whang on HGTV) It is a show I love to hate. I watch these people (tastefully dress yuppies) looking at 600k houses and I pray that they go into foreclosure. "oh Kitty these tile counter tops are hideous we must replace them with granite!"

Because of a medical crisis I am no longer working and I am bored to death. Careful what you wish for, you may get it...well I guess it beats working. huh? whatever.



That soldier that I "adopted" (see this post ) hasn't even written a thank you note! I know that he is in combat put puh-lease! I am no mere citizen, I could have been his sugar-momma.



I no longer answer my phone because of solicitors and political ball busters. My advice? NEVER register with any political party it's like getting tele-herpes they pop up and irritate you every few months. It has gotten so bad that I have changed my outgoing message to French to confuse the hell out of them.


I noticed this evening that Sam Sugar deleted me from his friends list, I have never met this person and never will and I won't say I am offended but still..
I think he is very talented and he will remain on my top ten list because he is
superfine, totally rad and groovy. He is playing hard to get....just like K-Fed.


I am not as smart as I think. I just realized that the other day. There is no denying that I am clever, even Sam Sugar will agree with that, but as of late I am lacking in basic logic skills. I imagine it comes from growing up in a toxic neighborhood, and not that innumerable toxic substances that I voluntarily took during my high school years.


My daughter has relinquished custody of her Quaker parrot to me and he is already become as belligerent and egomaniacal as me. He (or she) curses, bites and
is generally very rude. Under my tutelage I have taught this bird to say my name, curse and bounce his head like he jez don't care. He is diggin the new K-Fed tune
"Privilege". I want to change his name to Andrew Jackson or Cha-Cha
because "Mr. Nibbles" is so gay.

Before I forget : Part 1 Four Weddings AND a Funeral?

originally posted: April 4, 2007

I think I am losing my mind, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Who doesn't want to forget a part of their past? I don't know if
my memory loss is temporary, due to prescribed mediciation or
caused by living near a government testing facility as a child.

I was shocked yesterday when I forgot that Elizabeth Berkley's character in
Showgirls was named "Nomi Malone". I pride myself on my knowledge
of meaningless trivia. I knew that cinematic masterpiece like that back
of my forehead and I forgot Nomi?!! I was shook. So I said to myself
"Self, you need to use your journal for something more than complaining
about your Mexican neighbors!" and here we are.

Part One: Part 1 Four Weddings & a Funeral?

The year was 1990something. It started innocently enough as a prank.
I wanted to get something unusual for my Mom so I became ordained
through The Ministries of Salvation and gave her my framed certificate.
That should have been the end of it but noooo, I had to brag about it and
show off my laminated Reverend card to friends. Now word was out on
the streets that there was a Ordained Minister available to the unwashed
masses of Northern Virginia. The thing is, I have a really bad track
record with my (performed) marriages. Confused? Let me explain.

Wedding number one: My first time! strictly ceremonial. This ceremony was
for a coworker and her boyfriend, I had it all planned, I wrote the vows (how rude)
Being the smart ass that I am I worked in "Do you promise to put up with her
PMS" I show up in jeans and they are dressed up in Gothic looking clothes. I ruined that one.

Duration: 2 years

Wedding number two: co-workers; female knocked up and in order to
get insurance for the baby's birth they needed to be married. Who ya gonna call?
you got it...Me.

Duration: The asshole didn't even stick around for the birth! Turns out he was
gay, He left her in Florida with his mother and he went to Texas.

Wedding number three: The worse! The groom whose name escape me but
I am sure can be found in a police line-up somewhere was high as a kite. I get
a call from my childhood friend begging me to perform a ceremony for her friends
who are leaving town. I say no problem, she gives me the "restaurants" name and
directions and the countdown begins. In the interim I talk to my sister and give
her the restaurants name and she said "are you sure?" in a worried tone. It was too late to cancel. I show up to this restaurant (aka Redneck Biker Bar) dressed in a cute summer outfit which was in stark contrast to the sea of leather and Harley Davidson T-shirts before me. It wasn't until I got there that I was informed that I would be performing the ceremony on a platform and the bride would be coming down the aisle on the back of a motorcycle! I wanted to run but I was too scared! I was introduced to the groom who as luck would have it was bailed out of jail earlier that morning. How did he thank me for doing this favor for him? By feeling me up! The bastardly groom was still high from the night before and was doing shots of Jagermeister right up to the moment of the ceremony. The bridesmaids were hard looking and were giving me dirty looks DURING the ceremony. I couldn't get out of the place fast enough! I have a picture of me with the bride and groom, you can see my discomfort in the photo, what with him feeling me up during it. I no longer am in contact with my childhood friend.

Duration: unknown. My sister swears that she saw an article in the paper about the bride dying in a suspicious fire shortly after the ceremony another friend said she was still above ground. It has almost become an Urban Legend.

Wedding number four: Another favor for a friend. The setting was a pool hall, the groom and bride were late. I have no idea who these people were, all that I know is that they were pissing me off by wasting my time. They were fighting right up until the ceremony's' start. The couple were biracial and I was sensing some family tension.

Duration: 0 days; they had a fight and never filed the papers.



I told myself I would not perform another ceremony after that one but ended up
performing a re-commitment ceremony for my husbands brother and his wife.
It was outdoorsy and romantic, the complete opposite of me.

never again.