Reality (TV) Overload!

originally posted: January 21, 2006 - Saturday

You may have noticed thant I have am someone enamored with my Tivo's, (yes I said Tivo's)!

I need two to keep up with my favorite programs.It's not as bad as it looks though, the beauty of Tivo
is that you can scan through all the bullshit commericials and watch an hour show in less than 40 minutes.

Below is my weekly TV schedule:


24
Soaps
American Idol
America's Next Top Model - reruns
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Fit Club
Cops
Dirty Jobs
Everyday Italian
House Hunters
Iron Chef
Iron Chef America
Judge Alex
Judge Judy
Lost
My Sweet Sixteen
Paula's Home Cooking

Project Runway
Smalls space Big Style
SNL
The Girlmore Girls
The Real World
The Surreal Life



I'm sure there are more but at this point I am feeling slightly embarassed that I am such an addict.

I think I should take up something more productive like becoming a Bag Chaser and create a Powder Point Presentation. Ok Ok I just wanted to see if I could work in a few slang references for hillbilly herion, meth,Hydro Hypes; Ice, Ice Cream. Icee, Ish, Izice, Jab,Shiznit, Shiznitty, Shizzo, Shnizzie Snort, Shwack, Skeech, Sketch, Ski, Skitz, Sky Rocks, Sliggers, Smiley Smile, Smurf Dope, Smzl, Snaps, Sniff, Space Food, Spaceman, Spagack, Sparacked, Sparked, Sparkle, Speed Racer, Spin, Spin, Spin, Spinack, Spindarella, Spinney Boo, Spinning, Spishak, Spook, Sprack.

There is so more. remember kids:

When it comes to Drugs and especially TIVO! I leave the following message inspired by former First Lady Nancy Reagan:







.

product reviews Ambien CR , Tramadol, Lift Off , and Correctol

originally posted: March 10, 2006 - Friday

I have decided to implement a Product review section on my blog. to help you the consumer with product selections. I will only review products that I have used (and in some cases abused)

Note: Proceed with caution! In the matter of prescription medications I recommend you go to your doctor or a reliable overseas internet doctor, and do not exceed the recommended dosage.

Product	Image	What they say / What I say
Ambien CR (controlled release)		use for occasional sleeplessness. My Review: I took a coupon (found in my Soap Digest) to my doctor and he wrote me a prescription for 3 refills. It was awesome! Or so I thought. This is not the same Ambien I took before. My advice to anyone thinking of taking this: once you take it GO TO BED. One evening I didn't and decided that I wanted a candy bar. I drove to CVS and went on to buy over 40 bucks of various chocolate products. What is frighting about this is that I have no recollection of this event occuring until the next day. My only clue was a receipt in my pocket showing all of the purchases I made that evening...or morning it was after midnight after all. I can only imagine what those cashiers thought of this mad woman grabbing chocolate covered pringles, ice cream and candy bars. They must thought I was some lunatic bulimic on a bender. The new Ambien CR is a calk walk compare to the original. In my opion the CR stands CRap!
Tramadol / Ultracet		for moderate to sever pain My Review: My husband was prescribed this for something....I forget what, but naturally I confiscated it since I was suffering excruciating pain of my hangnail. Don't feel bad for him though I let him have my advil. The medication works. really, really well. The only drawback is if anyone tries to ruin your *peaceful easy feeling* you turn into Naomi Campbell and start raging out.. This medication is nothing compared to the magical "P's" (Percocet and Percodan) but it helps you overcome the trauma of hangnails.
Herbalife Lift Off		effervescent energy drink dietary supplement, a first-to-market, sugar-free, zero-calorie, effervescent energy drink in a dissolvable tablet form. My Review: okay I got roped into buying this product from an overzealous herbalife salesman who would not take no for an answer. He insisted I taste a sample of this miracle product. One drink and I would hooked. It helped me recover from my morning Ambien hangover! It was a miracle tablet to me, you just pop it in a bottle of spring water and you are buzzing like a honeybee. However, today I learned that each table has 75 mg of caffeine, and I drank 4 of them today! WTF! I'll get some sleep by Saturday I'm sure. Taken in moderation I'm sure this is a helpful product.
Correctol		"for gentle overnight relief my review: GENTLE OVERNIGHT RELIEF MY ASS!"

If we were judged on Google searches

originally posted: April 8, 2006

As I look at these I have one thought: WTF? My searches range from Reba McEntire to Competitive eating! These are all unedited. A great majority of searches are me trying make sure I spelled a word correctly which, as you can see I didn't. The irony of all of this is that I had to re-search some of these searches to see what the hell some of these things meant and who these people were.


Apr 5, 2006

bart simpson, graffiti, concert lighter, holding up a lighter, Iaudi 6 , smurf mushroom, smur fmushroom, smurfmushroom, smurfette mushroom, smurfette, arlington va, Larry Schwartzwald, Larry Schwartzwald., Larry Schwartzwald., James "P.J." Ransone, Nipsey Russell, Nipsy Russel, amber tamblyn poets, famous poets, funny headlines, Rascal Flatts, john Donne, wit, Reba McEntire, reba, easter quotes.

explanation: one of my favorite Myspacers penned an awesome poem so I had to spend 20 minutes finding the pefect image of hands holding up a lighter (instead of actually spending 13 seconds writing the words ""That was an awesome poem Patrick!" issue 2: I am a real gossip hound so I had to find a picture of disgraced Page Six writer Larry Schwartzwald. Why? who cares, right? apparently I did at that moment. On another gossip site I read the fascinating story about how actor Pj Ransone chased down a rapist and beat him down with a pipe. They didn't have a picture of him so naturally I spent the better part of half an hour trying to find a picture of him.

Apr 1, 2006

inappropriately, Myspace Online Now! Icons, funny headlines, matthew perry, Denise Vasi,, my fucking keys, Schleprock, flintstones characters Schleprock, flintstones characters schleprock, flintstones characters, flinstones characters, flintstones schleprock, flinstones schleprock, george mason basketball, george mason University, george mason, mobile phone unlocking software motorola, Mobile Phone Unlocking Software, blue drinks, ving Rhames, ving Rhames baby boy, ving Rhames rosewood, ving raines, ving raynes, Steve Harris, the practice, boston legalthe practice, boston legal, william shatner, william shatner tuxedo

explanation: I was all psyched up for the George Mason game obviously and made a post about it. I felt I needed to know WHO George Mason was so I did research. Did you know he signed the Declaration of independence? As it was my history I knew that the moment I threw my support to the team that they would lose (they did) I needed to find a picture of Schleprock from The Flintsone Kids to post on my blog. I also created a flash photo album for my page listing all the hot guys I dig (William Shatner, Tom Sizemore, Santiono ect.) I felt in these times I needed to be diverse so I had to find a black guy to put on the album and as you can see it came down to Ving Rhames and Steve Harris (From The Practice). I chose Ving. I was also trying to find free software to unlock the piece of crap phone I bought from a shyster eBayer.

Mar 26, 2006

1991 Honda CRX, 1991 Honda CRX., HBK, JOSH Herman, Valdir Reinoldo Bundchen., Como Construir a Si Mesmo, beck, bexk, J.D. Fortune, inxs lead singer

explanation: I guess I was looking for a used cars, info on the guy from Beauty and the Geek (a show I don't watch) and seeing what the hell a HBK was (he's a wrestler) I also did a search on Giselle Bundchen's father and the book he wrote. HUH? Don't ask me what was going on in my head that day!

Mar 23, 2006

little shop of horrors steve martin, wonder twins, Natasha Leon, Natasha Leone, Natalia Vodianova, Justin Portman

explanation: I was feeling nostalgic. Who didn't love The Wonder Twins! After that I read a story on a gossip site about Natalia Vodianova saying that said she spotted drinking vodka while she was pregnant...then for whatever I googled her husband. Is that considered stalking?

Mar 5, 2006

sony code, sony connect, coupon codes, asseenontv coupon codes, pasta express, lot 8, dentist recommend, emu, emule, internet squatters sued, internet squatters, competitive eater The Black Widow, Competitive Eater, Competetive Eater, mindy McCready, mindy McCready, santeria lyrics, southpark scientology, Toby Jones, the office

explanation: Where do I start? I am always looking to get something for nothing, so my searches are always peppered with "free" or "codes" On march 5th I was looking for free sonny song codes. I did buy the Pasta Express and I highly recommend it. I am a big fan of Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas the competetive Eater. Yes it IS a sport. Mindy McCready is a country & western singer that is one of my and Billie's idols. Mindy's life is a country song. Google her and see you'll see!

Paranoia Self Destoyer

from August 1, 2007

I wake up at 4 am-ish disoriented by a bizarre dream about
and ex-boyfriend who shows up at my childhood home (95%
of my dreams take place at my childhood home what's up with that?)
We talk for a while, about what, I forget...anyway I go back to sleep and wake
up at 5 am-ish I go to get the paper and noticed that the moon is
out and this fascinates me to no end! I grab the paper and take a
seat and wait for the sun to come up or that fucking moon to go
away. In the meantime I am sure my neighbors driving to work are
wondering what the fuck I am doing looking at the sky like it is a
celestial tennis match..screw them I hate them anyway. While I wait
for this momentous event I amuse myself and read my local paper about
all the crimes in our area. Which begs the question:

Why do Mexicans most have 4 names? Rarely does it read:

"Maria Delgado, age 32 of no fixed address was arrested for possesion
of marijuana"

It's this:

Maria Delgado-Sanchez-Ramirez, age 32, of no fixed address was arrested for possesion of marijuana"

What's with all these extra names? Getting monograms must be a bitch.

Anyway. I witnessed the sunset rise and the mood fade away and my neighbors who witnessed me wandering around my yard like a spaced out moon goddess have probably called mental health services on me.

I go back to bed and sleep for two hours, wake up and turn on the Tivo. Tivo has a feature where it will tape programs according to your viewing habits so for whatever reason I got a program from the History channel entitled:

---

Countdown to Armageddon: Countdown to Armageddon.

(description)

Asteroids on a collision course with Earth, super volcanoes, global warming, killer viruses--all are potential catastrophes that threaten to wipe out life on our planet. Are these simply natural disasters that have been occurring since time immemorial? Or are these threats terrifying prophesies from the Bible that are at last coming true? Are our fears overblown? Or are the infamous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding among us in a countdown to Armageddon?

---

This was a two hour show and I am a very paranoid person so now I am going through my day wondering if I should do one of the following:

A: Go to a church and confess my numerous sins

B: Max out my credit cards before the The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come looking for me because I have broken every commandment...with relish.

C: Take another pill...because by tomorrow I'll forget this show and think I was watching the 80's cartoon "My Lil' Pony"

I'll go with "C"

But wait...there's more! It's not over.....around 4 pm there was a shiny black fast flying helicopter flying very low in my neighborhood, that heli-bitch shook my house!. I live between the Quantico Marine Corps Base and Washington DC...so Military helicopters are the norm here. BUT this one was different then the rest is was unmarked, very shiny and flying in a dangerously low manner...and hell, after seeing that fucking" Countdown to Armageddon" this is the last thing I wanted to see! Being the 'noid I am, I google "black helicopters" and this comes up:

Black helicopters are part of a conspiracy theory, especially prevalent among the United States militia movement, that claims that special unmarked black helicopters are used by secret agents of the New World Order, United Nations troops, and/or the Men in Black preparing to take control of the United States, or for other nefarious purposes.

Here is the same type of helicopter almost as sleek flying over someone else's house:

okay so now I know the worlds going to end, or some Goddamn covert operation is happening in my neighborhood...hopefully they are coming to pick up my Mexican neighbors three houses down, of course they would need about four or five helicopters to get all of them outta the house!

But wait theres more!

I turn on the TV and that Interstate 35W bridge in Minnesota collapse in four places and I am sure this is another sign mentioned in Revelations! A bridge like that just collapses? Because of a jack hammer? Nah. My theory is as follows:

1. The world is getting ready to end.

2. Illegal Mexicans workers used plastic screws instead of iron bolts to hold that bridge together.

3. Those black helicopters I was talking about had something to do with this.

oh shit I need to go to sleep I am losing my mind.