The republicans are coming after me!

originally posted: March 15, 2006

Last year in a moment of patriotic weakness I donated to the Republican Party. For that honor I received a nice picture of George W. and Laura Bush and a Christmas card. It was great, I framed the photo and pretended that we were friends.

HOWEVER

Months go by with no word from my new friends the Bushes...BUT lately I have been getting these pledge requests from the Repulican National Commitee that almost sound threatening! Seriously, it's reminding me of the days when my credit was less than stellar I grew lax on making my payments and the credit card companies started sending me bad letters. The high pressure "we know you don't want to be deatbeat, remember we know where you live and work so it's in your best interest to pay of we will be forced to take you to court and humiliate you in front of Judge Joe Brown" type.

The GOP have all sorts of ideas for me to drum up support for the republicans. One Idea? They want me to form a neighborhood GOP block party. With my neighbors? Sure that'll go over well, seeing none of my neighbors like me and I would need an interpreter for my mexican neighbors and their EXTENDED family/dayworkers living in their SINGLE family home.

I would scan and post these letters I get from them but I am sure that faster than you can say "Chandra Levy" I'd be found floating in the Potomac River with a "W is for Women" bumper sticker over my eyes.

I was going to throw my vote to Ralph Nader in '08 but I found some scandalous info on Saint Ralph: Ralph Nader's Skeleton Closet

I'll vote for someone less corrupt...is Sharpton running in '08?



wait there might be hope...George Bushes "mini-me" Yee haw!

I'm just a patriotic mess.

originally posted: July 7, 2006



Ok, so it all starts innocently enough.



As per my daily routine I read my gossip sites starting with
The New York Post Page Six. I prefer nonsense news over actual news because it's less depressing. The lead article that day was about George (douche) Clooney's former agent who hightailed it out of Hollywood to film the documentary "Young Americans" about U.S. Marines fighting insurgents in Iraq (read about it here) My heart starts pumping red, white and blue and I immediately go to Pat Dollard's site and view clips of his documentary:





After viewing the clips I am so impressed I donate money to offset his production costs...oh yeah I also buy the CD "Blood for Blood Outlaw Anthems" that is featured in the documentary. Okay. I get a nice email from Pat Dollard thanking me for the donation. It should have stopped there. But I never do anything in moderation. I immediately join two more patriotic organizations which I commended myself for. The third time is the charm so I go one step further and adopt a soldier! I made sure it was someone who lives far away from me because the last thing I need is some shell shocked veteran knocking on my door looking for his new "Mommy". I chose a soldier from Minnesota, In my vivid imagination he is somehow related to music idol Prince, but he is taller and has beard stubble...anyway I digress. I made sure my soldier was on the front lines and not some pampered pretty boy wasting time in Biloxi Mississippi. Hell, if I am shelling out money I want an authentic G.I. Joe or in this case G.I. Joshua. So I chose about 60 dollars worth of stuff off of his gift list. Being patriotic is a pain in my ass and my pocket. I wonder if Joshua will appreciate my gifts? I wonder if there really is a Joshua? Who is to say that this isn't some scam created by some ex-convict in order to get my credit card information, create new accounts in my name and screw up my credit? Shit now I have to go and check my credit report!

I know these donations will get the Republican National Party on my back again!

Damn! Why was I born with a heart? I am such a mark.

Paranoia Self Destoyer

from August 1, 2007

I wake up at 4 am-ish disoriented by a bizarre dream about
and ex-boyfriend who shows up at my childhood home (95%
of my dreams take place at my childhood home what's up with that?)
We talk for a while, about what, I forget...anyway I go back to sleep and wake
up at 5 am-ish I go to get the paper and noticed that the moon is
out and this fascinates me to no end! I grab the paper and take a
seat and wait for the sun to come up or that fucking moon to go
away. In the meantime I am sure my neighbors driving to work are
wondering what the fuck I am doing looking at the sky like it is a
celestial tennis match..screw them I hate them anyway. While I wait
for this momentous event I amuse myself and read my local paper about
all the crimes in our area. Which begs the question:

Why do Mexicans most have 4 names? Rarely does it read:

"Maria Delgado, age 32 of no fixed address was arrested for possesion
of marijuana"

It's this:

Maria Delgado-Sanchez-Ramirez, age 32, of no fixed address was arrested for possesion of marijuana"

What's with all these extra names? Getting monograms must be a bitch.

Anyway. I witnessed the sunset rise and the mood fade away and my neighbors who witnessed me wandering around my yard like a spaced out moon goddess have probably called mental health services on me.

I go back to bed and sleep for two hours, wake up and turn on the Tivo. Tivo has a feature where it will tape programs according to your viewing habits so for whatever reason I got a program from the History channel entitled:

---

Countdown to Armageddon: Countdown to Armageddon.

(description)

Asteroids on a collision course with Earth, super volcanoes, global warming, killer viruses--all are potential catastrophes that threaten to wipe out life on our planet. Are these simply natural disasters that have been occurring since time immemorial? Or are these threats terrifying prophesies from the Bible that are at last coming true? Are our fears overblown? Or are the infamous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding among us in a countdown to Armageddon?

---

This was a two hour show and I am a very paranoid person so now I am going through my day wondering if I should do one of the following:

A: Go to a church and confess my numerous sins

B: Max out my credit cards before the The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come looking for me because I have broken every commandment...with relish.

C: Take another pill...because by tomorrow I'll forget this show and think I was watching the 80's cartoon "My Lil' Pony"

I'll go with "C"

But wait...there's more! It's not over.....around 4 pm there was a shiny black fast flying helicopter flying very low in my neighborhood, that heli-bitch shook my house!. I live between the Quantico Marine Corps Base and Washington DC...so Military helicopters are the norm here. BUT this one was different then the rest is was unmarked, very shiny and flying in a dangerously low manner...and hell, after seeing that fucking" Countdown to Armageddon" this is the last thing I wanted to see! Being the 'noid I am, I google "black helicopters" and this comes up:

Black helicopters are part of a conspiracy theory, especially prevalent among the United States militia movement, that claims that special unmarked black helicopters are used by secret agents of the New World Order, United Nations troops, and/or the Men in Black preparing to take control of the United States, or for other nefarious purposes.

Here is the same type of helicopter almost as sleek flying over someone else's house:

okay so now I know the worlds going to end, or some Goddamn covert operation is happening in my neighborhood...hopefully they are coming to pick up my Mexican neighbors three houses down, of course they would need about four or five helicopters to get all of them outta the house!

But wait theres more!

I turn on the TV and that Interstate 35W bridge in Minnesota collapse in four places and I am sure this is another sign mentioned in Revelations! A bridge like that just collapses? Because of a jack hammer? Nah. My theory is as follows:

1. The world is getting ready to end.

2. Illegal Mexicans workers used plastic screws instead of iron bolts to hold that bridge together.

3. Those black helicopters I was talking about had something to do with this.

oh shit I need to go to sleep I am losing my mind.