Too Lazy To Be Famous: bassed on a true story

Tom Sizemore gave my computer Digital Herpes!

2007-09-27T02:26:00.000-07:00

originally posted: November 12, 2005 - Saturday

I admit it I bought his sex scandal DVD

review here: (NSFW or Home or eyes for that matter)

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3156

I let my curiousty get the best of me and I tell you
it wasn't pretty. It was a train wreck set to porn.

Here us a synopsis:

1. He is covinced that the LAPD is out to get him. (if they weren't already they will be now since he wishes them all dead and "hopes they have lots of kids")
2. He loves prostitutes...
3. almost as much as drugs
4. He is an assman
5. He has a cache of bizarre sex toys
6. Whatever he is taking it causes him to sweat profusely
7. He has a tattoo right above his penis that reads either "Heidi" (as in Heidi Fleis)
8. He does not look good in spandex bicycle shorts with his butt crack showing

Purchasing that DVD from a unsavory site has wreaked havoc on my laptop, I have been bombarded with spam messages promising to make my non-exsistent penis hard, find me horny singles whores in my area (not looking) and surprisingly a few stock tips. I was also surprised to see that a South African member of Royalty wants to cut me a check for millions.

Moral of the story: If you don't have morals arm yourself with Mcafee, Nortons, Microsoft Anti-Spyware, Ad-aware, Pop-up Blocker, Kill Ad ....well nevermind I have all of those!

Get a Mac I am sure they have less problems than PCs.

Ignorance is Bliss (Thanks toTivo)

2007-09-27T02:23:00.000-07:00

originally posted: November 20, 2005 - Sunday

Ever since I have become a part of the Tivo culture I have become retarded when it comes to global events be it world, regional or local. I know nothing. And why should I when I can watch America's Next Top Model, Breaking Bonaduche or House Hunters commercial-free?

The only time I do watch anything that resembles a news program is when Tivo records it for me based on their recommendations or if say there is a MTV news break in between Real World Austin.

The only time I read the newspaper is at work and I usually go straight to the entertainment section, and then it is off to the crime beat to see if any of my old high school friends have been arrested and then to the Obituaries to see if anyone I know has died. Inevitably I get stuck in a conversation with someone who mentions the devastation in (insert war-torn country here) I just nod along that it is awful and say something to the effect of "Yes I heard, that's so terrible" in a "tsk tsk" sort of way but what I really mean is.... "There was a flood?? When??" or “There's a War? I thought that ended in ' 04?”

I really should pick up a newspaper or watch the news every millennium or so. But if I did that I would miss the Gilmore Girls marathon on ABC Family Channel and that would blow.

This post was not sponsored by: http://www.tivo.com

Reality (TV) Overload!

2007-09-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

originally posted: January 21, 2006 - Saturday

You may have noticed thant I have am someone enamored with my Tivo's, (yes I said Tivo's)!

I need two to keep up with my favorite programs.It's not as bad as it looks though, the beauty of Tivo
is that you can scan through all the bullshit commericials and watch an hour show in less than 40 minutes.

Below is my weekly TV schedule:

24
Soaps
American Idol
America's Next Top Model - reruns
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Fit Club
Cops
Dirty Jobs
Everyday Italian
House Hunters
Iron Chef
Iron Chef America
Judge Alex
Judge Judy
Lost
My Sweet Sixteen
Paula's Home Cooking

Project Runway
Smalls space Big Style
SNL
The Girlmore Girls
The Real World
The Surreal Life

I'm sure there are more but at this point I am feeling slightly embarassed that I am such an addict.

I think I should take up something more productive like becoming a Bag Chaser and create a Powder Point Presentation. Ok Ok I just wanted to see if I could work in a few slang references for hillbilly herion, meth,Hydro Hypes; Ice, Ice Cream. Icee, Ish, Izice, Jab,Shiznit, Shiznitty, Shizzo, Shnizzie Snort, Shwack, Skeech, Sketch, Ski, Skitz, Sky Rocks, Sliggers, Smiley Smile, Smurf Dope, Smzl, Snaps, Sniff, Space Food, Spaceman, Spagack, Sparacked, Sparked, Sparkle, Speed Racer, Spin, Spin, Spin, Spinack, Spindarella, Spinney Boo, Spinning, Spishak, Spook, Sprack.

There is so more. remember kids:

When it comes to Drugs and especially TIVO! I leave the following message inspired by former First Lady Nancy Reagan:

.

Why do Mexicans congregrate at 7-11's?

2007-09-27T02:15:00.000-07:00

originally posted: November 28, 2005 - Monday

I have officially boycotted 7-11's in my area

(known as Land of Drywallers) or "tierra de drywallers"

These guys stand and loiter in front of 7-11's under

the premise of looking for work but basically use the

place as one or more of the following:

toilet - the stinky stench of urine is overwhelming.

bar/tavern - who says beer is unacceptable at 5 am?

Gang meeting ground - "MS-13" is spray painted on every wall

I am not exaggerating at all. There are sometimes over 50 men

of hispanic origin standing out there everyday. I would take a

picture if I didn't think I would have the ACLU picketing on my

front lawn. PLUS there's a family of 28 living in a house 3 doors

down, So I will seethe through the internet.

dramatic re-enactment:

If this keeps up I am moving to Mexico, I am sure

that country is empty by now!

I am not Kathy Griffin.

2007-09-27T02:10:00.000-07:00

originally posted: February 19, 2006 - Sunday

Over the span of three days I had a stalker. For whatever reason she thought I was television celebrity Kathy Griffin. I was somewhat let down when I realized she wasn't captivated my brilliance but by an actual celebrity. I felt an immediate connection with this stalker because she wasn't willing to go the extra mile and travel to stalk me. She wasn't very motivated. She was a treasure.

I miss her already.

.

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.

.

.

.

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Who does she think she is? Does she think she can throw me away like yesterdays newspaper! I will not be ignored! Perhaps I will stalk her and then callously dump her without a second thought.

.

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Damn her, damn her to hell. (dramatic sob)

product reviews Ambien CR , Tramadol, Lift Off , and Correctol

2007-09-27T02:07:00.000-07:00

originally posted: March 10, 2006 - Friday

I have decided to implement a Product review section on my blog. to help you the consumer with product selections. I will only review products that I have used (and in some cases abused)

Note: Proceed with caution! In the matter of prescription medications I recommend you go to your doctor or a reliable overseas internet doctor, and do not exceed the recommended dosage.

Product	Image	What they say / What I say
Ambien CR (controlled release)		*use for occasional sleeplessness.* My Review: I took a coupon (found in my Soap Digest) to my doctor and he wrote me a prescription for 3 refills. It was awesome! Or so I thought. This is not the same Ambien I took before. My advice to anyone thinking of taking this: once you take it GO TO BED. One evening I didn't and decided that I wanted a candy bar. I drove to CVS and went on to buy over 40 bucks of various chocolate products. What is frighting about this is that I have no recollection of this event occuring until the next day. My only clue was a receipt in my pocket showing all of the purchases I made that evening...or morning it was after midnight after all. I can only imagine what those cashiers thought of this mad woman grabbing chocolate covered pringles, ice cream and candy bars. They must thought I was some lunatic bulimic on a bender. The new Ambien CR is a calk walk compare to the original. In my opion the CR stands CRap!
Tramadol / Ultracet		*for moderate to sever pain* My Review: My husband was prescribed this for something....I forget what, but naturally I confiscated it since I was suffering excruciating pain of my hangnail. Don't feel bad for him though I let him have my advil. The medication works. really, really well. The only drawback is if anyone tries to ruin your peaceful easy feeling you turn into Naomi Campbell and start raging out.. This medication is nothing compared to the magical "P's" (Percocet and Percodan) but it helps you overcome the trauma of hangnails.
Herbalife Lift Off		effervescent energy drink dietary supplement, a first-to-market, sugar-free, zero-calorie, effervescent energy drink in a dissolvable tablet form. My Review: okay I got roped into buying this product from an overzealous herbalife salesman who would not take no for an answer. He insisted I taste a sample of this miracle product. One drink and I would hooked. It helped me recover from my morning Ambien hangover! It was a miracle tablet to me, you just pop it in a bottle of spring water and you are buzzing like a honeybee. However, today I learned that each table has 75 mg of caffeine, and I drank 4 of them today! WTF! I'll get some sleep by Saturday I'm sure. Taken in moderation I'm sure this is a helpful product.
Correctol		"for gentle overnight relief my review: GENTLE OVERNIGHT RELIEF MY ASS!"

The republicans are coming after me!

2007-09-27T02:04:00.000-07:00

originally posted: March 15, 2006

Last year in a moment of patriotic weakness I donated to the Republican Party. For that honor I received a nice picture of George W. and Laura Bush and a Christmas card. It was great, I framed the photo and pretended that we were friends.

HOWEVER

Months go by with no word from my new friends the Bushes...BUT lately I have been getting these pledge requests from the Repulican National Commitee that almost sound threatening! Seriously, it's reminding me of the days when my credit was less than stellar I grew lax on making my payments and the credit card companies started sending me bad letters. The high pressure "we know you don't want to be deatbeat, remember we know where you live and work so it's in your best interest to pay of we will be forced to take you to court and humiliate you in front of Judge Joe Brown" type.

The GOP have all sorts of ideas for me to drum up support for the republicans. One Idea? They want me to form a neighborhood GOP block party. With my neighbors? Sure that'll go over well, seeing none of my neighbors like me and I would need an interpreter for my mexican neighbors and their EXTENDED family/dayworkers living in their SINGLE family home.

I would scan and post these letters I get from them but I am sure that faster than you can say "Chandra Levy" I'd be found floating in the Potomac River with a "W is for Women" bumper sticker over my eyes.

I was going to throw my vote to Ralph Nader in '08 but I found some scandalous info on Saint Ralph: Ralph Nader's Skeleton Closet

I'll vote for someone less corrupt...is Sharpton running in '08?

wait there might be hope...George Bushes "mini-me" Yee haw!

50 of the most random questions ever

2007-09-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

originally posted: March 27, 2006

50 of the most random questions ever:

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
making/burning Mac & cheese

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank?
yesterday

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?
Over 3000. for a stupid gigantic TV I don't ever get to watch

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
of course

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
about a month ago

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
yes

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000?
yes

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
a couple of years ago for a wedding

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No

10. Are you popular?
I'm the most famous person you've never heard of.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Black Cherry Vanilla Coke

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail?
Netflix (I am boycotting Blockbuster)

13. Do you wash your car?
Hardly ever

14. Last fast food you ate?
burnt Mac & Cheese

15. Where were you last week today?
what is this, a fucking interigation?

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
yes

7. What bank do you use?
hello? Identity theft??? bite me

18. Do you own any land?
yes (the land my house sits on)

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
Super Fly Cracker The Female Pimp

20. Your dream vacation?
Tahiti

21. Last boat ride you went on?
cruise in 99 or 2000 I forget

23. Are you in love?
everyday I look in the mirror

24. Do you have any single friends?
yes

25. Last play you saw?
"Movin' Out" but I preferred "Mama Mia"

26. Have you been to New York?
NO

27. What are your plans for tonight?
finishing this list goddamn it's taking forever

28.Last concert you went to?
I hate crowds. Concerts are for teens

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Where does Shatner live?

30. Ever go to camp?
no my mom was too cheap, which is for the best most camp kids were molested.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
"if Natalie spent as much time with her studies as she does entertaining the class she would pass World history" I guess that would make it a No.

32. What is your current GPA?
German Propaganda Archive?? What is this Nazi shit? back to the questions

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Yes (Britney Spears Fantasy) give it a chance before you judge

34. Are you hungry?
no I am about to hurl from that effin Mac & Cheese

35. Where is your best friend located?
Arlingt....wait where is Shatner living?

36. Do you own a cowboy hat?
no but my Ameicanized illegal Mexican neighbors wear them with belt buckles the size of pumpkins.

37. Do you have a tan?
I am white as rice.

38. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
been there done that.

39. Do you collect anything?
expensive electronic equpiment.

40. Is this quiz annoying?
si

41. Last time you got pulled over?
who cares, my claim to local fame is being pulled over for speeding in two different counties on the SAME DAY and getting no tickets! Not even a driver diversion program. My excuse? I was traumatized over my grandma's death and was running late to her wake. I wasn't really that late.....I just like to drive fast. sorry grammy.

42. Ever been arrested?
never (juvenille records are sealed)

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break?
why? so I can be abducted and held for ransom? I know my family they would not pay up and I would end up like Maria full of Grace swallowing ballons of heroin or illegal fireworks.

44. Do you like hot sauce?
nada

45. Last time you drove somewhere?
today

46. Do you need to do laundry?
si senor

47. How many friends do you have?
I can count my real friends on one hand, but it is a freakish hand with 13 fingers.

48. Are you someones best friend?
of course

49. Are you rich?
I'm not broke, I don't eat government cheese. I would say I am comfortably numb..

50. What are you thinking right this minute?
T NasTy (the Mad Bulletin Boarder)

Is it wrong to....

2007-09-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

originally posted: April,1.2006

1. To secretly wish my elderly cat would die because he smells?

2. To want to reach into the tv set and slap that creepy little welchs grape juice kid?

3. To think that basketball playing autistic kid is getting "too hollywood"

4. To kill a man just to watch him die?

5. To make up stories (see number 4) to make yourself seem edgy?

In other news:

I can hardly breath because I mowed the grass today.

My Mexican neighbors widened their driveway.

My dog seems to have psorisis or a mental disorder.

My daughters bird bit me and mocked me afterwards.

I am still missing the friend I put the magenta alert out on.

I bought an Ipod nano that I don't need.

I deleted that effin myspacer "blah blah blah, shutup bitch" because her non-stop retarded bulletins.

I am holding myself responsible for the George Mason loss.

46 more questions.

2007-09-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

originally posted: April 4, 2006

1. Song that always makes you sad?
"Popozao" - Kevin Federline

2. Last thing you bought?
Burrito Supreme

3. Last person you argued with?
My dog. the mofo thinks he owns the couch. but the bitch didn't talk back.

4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?
who are you?

5. One of your stuffed animals names as a kid?
Teddy. and it was a bear. how original

6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?
oh, frick yea! I have all their shit and the itunes originals.
I feel whoever made this questionaire is not giving the BL's
the proper respect and I will find you and you'll regret your
little dig at them. you hear me? well see me...well...see my
words? oh you're an asshole hiding behind a lame myspace questionaire.

7. Favorite day of the week?
one day is no different than the next for me. But if I had to pick a day I would have to say Wednesday if only for the fine TV programing that occurs that evening.

8. Favorite Sundae topping?
Ambien

9. Did you take Piano lessons?
piano lessons? I grew up in the hood where we had to fight everyday for survival. This is emotional. My best friend (who was athleticly gifted) was shot in front of me by a rival gang...oh wait that ways "Boyz in the Hood" nope, no piano lessons.

10. Most frequently song played on your I-tunes?
"just a girl" by No doubt with "Number 1" by Goldfrapp coming in a close second.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
I make no secret of any of the programs I watch, I adore reality TV. No secrets here...oh what the fuck...Charlie Rose.

12. would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Okay I am white (or blue), female and don't want to break a nail so I choose neither.

13. Date someone older or younger?
This will piss off my husband, several of my boyfriends and that guy from the mall but I'll say older.

14. One place you could travel right now?
Our Nations Capital, that would be Washington D.C.

15. Do you use umbrellas?
rarely, why risk electrocution. Speaking of Ted Bundy...I'll take this moment to give a shout out to my nigga Ann Rule...holla!

16. Do you know all the words to the canadian national anthem?
no, but I know it includes the words: Gretsky, Moosehead and Eh?

17. Favorite Cheese
Government

18. The Smiths or the Cure?
The Cure, all the way!

19. do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes (guys too)?
Brunnettes I guess...shit I am only at number 19? I should be getting paid for this!

20. best job you ever had?
Underaged Lemonade Vendor

21. did you go to your high school prom?
No I couldn't find a sitter for the kids.

22. perfect time to wake up at?
10 am - no 11 am - no noonish

23. perfect time to go to bed?
precisely at midnightish or maybe at 3

24. do you use your queen right away in chess?
are you calling me a dyke?

25. have you been in a car accident?
I was no where near the scene and can't be charged so f*ck off wanka

26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?
:::flashback:::: coat hangers! the dreadful coat hangers!
papa can you hear me? no? oh that's right you died! thanks
for bringing up those pleasant memories Dr. Phil!

27. what age is this exciting life over for you?
I am surpassing the predictions of the "Ye Ole Biorhythm Machine" at Shakeys. It said I would be dead in the mid 90's

28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager in?
probably in the 70's because it was all about hair and fashion.

29. favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
Janzen bo-bo's. You can't go wrong with canvas.

30. do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
My Vice Principals underwear.

31. were you in track and field?
in Junior High....but high school was err... high school. Hell, we had a smoking court. who could run with a marlboro hanging out of your mouth?

32. were you ever in a school talent show?
yes. and some little bitch who knew a few ballet steps beat us. but we got way more applause than that biatch! it was all about politics...and that was elementary school.

33. have you ever written in a library book?
Yes and I make it a point to drive to the public library and deface atleast 12 books a week to keep up the tradition.

34. allergic to?
allergy medication...isn't it ironic?

35. favorite fruit?
Tie: apples and Ryan Seacrest

36. have you watched sex and the city?
guilty.

37. baseball hat or toque?
thanks for wasting my time I had to look up "toque" on Wikpedia.org. trying to look smart? Back to the question, neither I don't want "hat hair"

38. do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?
first I make sure none of the cons are eyeing my prize. huh? err shampoo

39. wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
no you lubricate it dumbass...huh? wait damn toothbrush?

40. pen or pencil?
I am noticing the questions are getting as lame as my responses. pencil.

41. have you ever gambled at a casino?
on both coasts.

42. have you thrown up on a plane?
Yes, Oceanic Flight 815 but hey I was sitting next to a guy name HURLey.

43. have you thrown up in a car?
in, on and around.

44. have you thrown up at work?
not that I know of.

45. do you scream on roller coasters?
like a banshee

46. how many times a day roughly do you go on myspace?
I gingerly sign on one or twelve hundreds times a day.

If we were judged on Google searches

2007-09-27T01:50:00.000-07:00

originally posted: April 8, 2006

As I look at these I have one thought: WTF? My searches range from Reba McEntire to Competitive eating! These are all unedited. A great majority of searches are me trying make sure I spelled a word correctly which, as you can see I didn't. The irony of all of this is that I had to re-search some of these searches to see what the hell some of these things meant and who these people were.

Apr 5, 2006

bart simpson, graffiti, concert lighter, holding up a lighter, Iaudi 6 , smurf mushroom, smur fmushroom, smurfmushroom, smurfette mushroom, smurfette, arlington va, Larry Schwartzwald, Larry Schwartzwald., Larry Schwartzwald., James "P.J." Ransone, Nipsey Russell, Nipsy Russel, amber tamblyn poets, famous poets, funny headlines, Rascal Flatts, john Donne, wit, Reba McEntire, reba, easter quotes.

explanation: one of my favorite Myspacers penned an awesome poem so I had to spend 20 minutes finding the pefect image of hands holding up a lighter (instead of actually spending 13 seconds writing the words ""That was an awesome poem Patrick!" issue 2: I am a real gossip hound so I had to find a picture of disgraced Page Six writer Larry Schwartzwald. Why? who cares, right? apparently I did at that moment. On another gossip site I read the fascinating story about how actor Pj Ransone chased down a rapist and beat him down with a pipe. They didn't have a picture of him so naturally I spent the better part of half an hour trying to find a picture of him.

Apr 1, 2006

inappropriately, Myspace Online Now! Icons, funny headlines, matthew perry, Denise Vasi,, my fucking keys, Schleprock, flintstones characters Schleprock, flintstones characters schleprock, flintstones characters, flinstones characters, flintstones schleprock, flinstones schleprock, george mason basketball, george mason University, george mason, mobile phone unlocking software motorola, Mobile Phone Unlocking Software, blue drinks, ving Rhames, ving Rhames baby boy, ving Rhames rosewood, ving raines, ving raynes, Steve Harris, the practice, boston legalthe practice, boston legal, william shatner, william shatner tuxedo

explanation: I was all psyched up for the George Mason game obviously and made a post about it. I felt I needed to know WHO George Mason was so I did research. Did you know he signed the Declaration of independence? As it was my history I knew that the moment I threw my support to the team that they would lose (they did) I needed to find a picture of Schleprock from The Flintsone Kids to post on my blog. I also created a flash photo album for my page listing all the hot guys I dig (William Shatner, Tom Sizemore, Santiono ect.) I felt in these times I needed to be diverse so I had to find a black guy to put on the album and as you can see it came down to Ving Rhames and Steve Harris (From The Practice). I chose Ving. I was also trying to find free software to unlock the piece of crap phone I bought from a shyster eBayer.

Mar 26, 2006

1991 Honda CRX, 1991 Honda CRX., HBK, JOSH Herman, Valdir Reinoldo Bundchen., Como Construir a Si Mesmo, beck, bexk, J.D. Fortune, inxs lead singer

explanation: I guess I was looking for a used cars, info on the guy from Beauty and the Geek (a show I don't watch) and seeing what the hell a HBK was (he's a wrestler) I also did a search on Giselle Bundchen's father and the book he wrote. HUH? Don't ask me what was going on in my head that day!

Mar 23, 2006

little shop of horrors steve martin, wonder twins, Natasha Leon, Natasha Leone, Natalia Vodianova, Justin Portman

explanation: I was feeling nostalgic. Who didn't love The Wonder Twins! After that I read a story on a gossip site about Natalia Vodianova saying that said she spotted drinking vodka while she was pregnant...then for whatever I googled her husband. Is that considered stalking?

Mar 5, 2006

sony code, sony connect, coupon codes, asseenontv coupon codes, pasta express, lot 8, dentist recommend, emu, emule, internet squatters sued, internet squatters, competitive eater The Black Widow, Competitive Eater, Competetive Eater, mindy McCready, mindy McCready, santeria lyrics, southpark scientology, Toby Jones, the office

explanation: Where do I start? I am always looking to get something for nothing, so my searches are always peppered with "free" or "codes" On march 5th I was looking for free sonny song codes. I did buy the Pasta Express and I highly recommend it. I am a big fan of Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas the competetive Eater. Yes it IS a sport. Mindy McCready is a country & western singer that is one of my and Billie's idols. Mindy's life is a country song. Google her and see you'll see!

25 pointless questions

2007-09-27T01:46:00.000-07:00

originally posted: April 18, 2006

25 pointless questions

These are supposedly 25 questions that no one would EVER think to ask. Answer them, and then REPOST the bulletin:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was behind you?
store security....always tryng to keep a sista down!

2. How much cash did you spend yesterday?
gas - 18 bucks / grass - Organic Salvia Divinorum ( I heard that parents are up in arms about this alternative and legal form of marijuana so I had to buy it before it was outlawed) 8.00 / Burrito Supreme and nacho's from Taco Hell 4.00

3. What's a word that rhymes with mist?
bucket.

4. Favorite planet, which you would live at, if you could?
In the words of Modest Mouse...The Third Planet. Why would I want to live on another planet when I already have a bunch of (illegal) Aliens living three houses down?

5. What is the last band shirt you wore?
Lynyrd Skynyrd (that was bedazzled to boot) Yee haw!
Steve & Barry's rocks! Where else can you buy an entire wardrobe for 50 bucks.

6. What do you think of yourself?
I think that I am witty, charming, unforgetable, intelligent,
honest, hard working, modest and a total BS Artist who would think nothing of lying on these pointless questionaires.

7. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
Blue Suede Converse John Varvatos slip on's - yes I am even too lazy to tie shoes.

8. Night light or pitch black?
can't sleep without background noise. The TV is my nightlight.

9. What do you think about the (previous) person who took this survey?
She is one SICKBITCH.

10. If you could kiss anyone in the world who would it be?
Keifer Sutherland...provided we use a dental dam.

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?
watching my soaps on Tivo.

12. What's something that you say a lot?
If my Aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.

13. Last furry thing you touched?
Bea Arthurs back....kidding! My Dog Sammy.

14. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Film?
I have some old 110 film in a drawer for high school but I am not sure whats on it. you know...sins of the past and what not.

15. Favorite age you have been so far?
10

16. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"you senile old cat when are you going to die?"

17. How do you like your eggs?
fertilized

18. Do you like someone?
umm...like I am totally over 13 so I refuse to answer this one.

19. Last song you listened to?
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers (want to hear it? go to
my site)

20. What time is it?
9:20 pm EST

21. What's around you?
Bills, Remotes, brush, water, easter candy, medication, a scripto lighter, lotion, candles phone....this is gonna take too long.

22. What are you wearing?
fuck off perv.

23. What did you do yesterday?
worked, shopped, did errands and uhh the rest is sketchy but I remembering waking this morning up in a motel 6 face down in a pool of my own vomit. ok ok the last part was bullshit.

24. Last bed you sat on?
a microbe infested Motel 6 bed with 6 Asian business men...okay more BS....I sat on my own microbe infested bed.

25. What should you be doing?
Taking a shower I reek of cut grass...I had to mow the lawn today... like a goddamn commoner!

I am adding a question to this quiz:

26. What is your overall opinion of this questionaire?
underwhelming.

Stupid fucking anorexic imbeciles

2007-09-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

originally posted: 5/13/2006

OK this is officially a rant and it will probably be an unpopular one. Frankly I don't care.

Below you will see a bulletin from someone on my friend list and it repulsed me so much I had to make a entry about it. I can't bring myself to feel sorry for these self-involved drama queens. They KNOW they will die so what gives? What posseses a person to starve themself. You don't see this shit going on at this proportion in other countries, right? Maybe, but I am not going to the research. Instead of having special rehab centers for these girls (and guys) who most likely go at the behest of their parents and usually revert to their old ways, I think they should be sent to a place that has actual famine like Malawi. But no they make it through rehab and log on the internet where they can pal up with the other misfits on the internet who call themselves "Pro-Ana's". They have Pro-Ana sites on Myspace.com. Oh I wish Microsoft comes out with a virtual smack program.

Here is what has me up in arms:

From: Zaraphel
Date: May 12, 2006 10:41 PM

Totally disturbing and utterly disgusting!
you'll be dead before your thin enough.

Girls:

Stop calling each other fat.

People take that seriously.

And this is what can happen!!

Guys:

You call a girl fat.

You tell her to loose some weight.

But is this attractive to you?

I didnt think so.

SO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Message for the myspace kids

2007-09-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

originally posted: June 11, 2006

My message goes out to mainly the 12 to 17 year old age group of the Myspace society.

You are young now without a care in the world and that is great right? sorta.

The funny thing about the internet is sometimes your words come back to haunt you. Proclaiming that you are a proud slut and your hobbies include "body shots", "handies" and tagging may prevent you from getting into the college or trade school you have your sites set on.

Here are some other suggestions:

If you are an outsider, an anarchist or a bully victim I cannot stress enough how important it is NOT to write in your blog about how cool it would be to blow up your school. Why not you ask? Because that would make you a dumbass and you know that the popular kids/bullies are reading your rambling words and are lying in wait to fire off your post to the 300 buddies on their friends list. And keep in mind that kids who who commit those crimes are usually sent to adult prisons and I can assure you that you will be VERY POPULAR in there.

If you are remotely attractive putting your first and last name is never a good idea. Have any of you watched Dateline? You may think that posting a picture of yourself in a bikini of shirtless is cute...but most people find that sluttly and well we all know how the middle/high school rumor mill works....I do, I started so many rumors myself...usually about myself....anyway that is beside the point. Try to keep your self portraits tasteful...better yet be mysterious. Make people pay for yout shots....wait wait...no wait til your 18 to do that.

Whatever....I'm just trying to help the myspace children....because as Pat Benetar says "Hell is for Children"

oh yeah....your welcome.

So many questionaires so little time

2007-09-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

originally posted: November 8, 2006

1. Do you still talk with the first person you kissed?
no, he is in prison and those fuckin' calls are like 3 bucks a minute

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
no, not interested in seeing anyones "business"

3. Are you obsessed with someone?
God where do I start? Danny Bonaduce, Tom Sizemore, Ted Nugent, George Bush, Kathy Griffin and Usher.

4. What is the best thing about your job?
clocking out, I hate working.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
ugh, these questionaires are so juvenile.

7. Did you get any compliments today?
sorta, my Esthetician said my skin didn't seem as dry as it was on my last appointment.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Xanax, Virginia : population 1

9. When was the last time you kissed someone?
my husband. no tongue, some groping.

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
Guys. Most girls think I am a bitch...imagine that? stupid whores.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
Probably somewhere, the decor of my house screams of 1970's/rent-a-center/yard sale/white trash

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Flying....without the benefit of prescribed medication.

14. Where have you lived most of your life?
lovely crime ridden traffic-congested northern Virginia

15. Why is the sky blue?
Do I look like a meteorologist?
lets see...because...errr....ahhh
uhhhh....what sickbitch said.

16. Where do you see yourself in 4 years?
still on myspace (if it isn't outlawed) singing in the rain...or in a mental ward.

17. What's your favorite scent?
Tie: Chanel no. 5 or erotic turban sweat

18. What is your least favorite sound
Tie: the dentist drill and The Snuggles Bear

19. Are you moody?
fuck off

20. Favorite movie of all time?

Drama - Godfather II
Comedy - The Naked Gun
Indie - The Believer
Foreign - Run Lola Run
Documentary - The Smashing Machine
Campy - Based on an Untrue Story

21. Have you ever done anything hurtful to a classmate?
I was the class clown and I had a slight mean streak.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
yes, court ordered as a juvenile and in my opinion I think it is a load of bullshit. overpriced. useless. unproductive. Kinda like me without a degree.

23. Have you ever played spin the bottle?
who didn't?

24. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
yes....among other things.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
who didn't? oh yeah, those stupid whores I was talking about in question ..10

26. Have you ever gone camping?
yes, and I hated it. The outdoors are for the ...birds.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
no but I slept with him....kidding! (I have family reading this)

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
no, have you even noticed that most ooogly fat people go there?

29. Have you ever gone streaking?
Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
more than the average person, very very very creepy ones very very...this fucking magnetic personality of mine draws them in like flies. I should wrote a book...seriously.

31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
I don't recall.

Natalie notices that there is no question number 32

33. Have you ever gone to a party?
ugh...who writes these questions? duh yeah

34. Have you ever been in love?
yes and it's a battlefield.

35. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend?
no, I am usually the betrayer...just my nature.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
yeah, and i still do.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?
are the Bahamas a state?

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
Oh heavens no!

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
do not get me started with hair horror stories.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day?
That doesn't seem natural, but I have had two FF meals in one day. What can I say? I have an aversion to cooking.

41. Last song you listened to?
Foo Fighters - Everlong

42. Have you ever spied on someone?
yes all the time I am a nosey biotch.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
have you?

45. Who was the last person who called you??
My hair salon reminding me of my appointment tomorrow with my fabulously out there stylist who I swear should have his own reality show, he makes Jonathon Antin (Blow Out) look like a amateur

46. When was the last time you slept for 12 hours straight?
when I was 15 and went three days without sleeping and then I crashed, when I woke up I had no idea what day it was...awesome.

47. Have you ever been cheated on by someone?
who hasn't...but I gave as good as I got.

48. Have you ever stolen anything?
yes....but I'm no Winonna Ryder.

49. Have you ever consumed egg nog?
yes and it tastes like shit.

50. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
In the passenger seat of Mr. Tom Sizemores '91 Hyundai oh yeah...or the backseat wink wink.

Get to know me even more.

2007-09-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

originally posted: June 24, 2006

1) How old do you wish you were?
about 24 when I has a really tight bod from karate

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
at home...way too close to the action

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
shake rattle & roll...oh yea and curse like a sailor.

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
a veritable saint I would say. but I have always been called a sinner.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
it would be prominently displayed on my neck, it would read "FU MOFO" <--- there is a story behind that.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language?
Spanish and Vietnamese so I could find out what
my neighbors and my manicurists are saying about
me in FRONT of my face. So rude. But I am so self
involved I am assuming that I am the topic of every
discussion. Yeah, they are talking about me.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
no and I don't want to. I might as well be a serial killer
because I definitely like to "keep to myself" I hate small talk and BBQ's. I end up saying something offensive because I have been on the internet so long nothing is taboo. I mean, really, my 68 year old neighbor wouldn't possibly comprehend goatse

8) What do you consider a vacation?
a refill.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
not at all. Anyone who seriously believes in that crap has issues. But yes occasionally I read them but in my opinion "The Magic 8-Ball" is way more accurate.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
ummm...move out of my chair or move out of the way sure but I hate packing so they will have to move along and find someone more flexible.

11) Are you touchy feely?
Oh Heavens No!

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
I believe I can Fly, I believe I can touch the sky.

13) Dream job?
My dream would be not to have any jobs. But if I must choose I'd say a caretaker for an wealthy elderly gentleman (with no meddling kids) whose knocking on heavens door....oh yes and he must be able to hold a pen in his hand.

14) Favorite channel?
HGTV and VH1 and the gay channel Bravo

15) Favorite place to go on the wknds?
stay home...fuck driving with all those lunatics and gangbangers out there

16) Showers or Baths?
must a choose....I like my aromatic B.O. funk. rain showers

17) Do you paint your nails?
No that gossipy Vietnamese bitch that from no. 6 does them. She's talking about me and I tip this bitch...that's rich.

18) Do you trust people easily?
no rarely. I have read enough true crime books and watched enough Judge Judy etal. that I don't even trust myself.

19) What are your Phobias?
spiders, storms.heights and uncircumcized...things.

20.) Do you want kids?
no more..all though I may adopt some street kids for
the summer...someone needs to mow the lawn.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yeah right that is all I need "Exhibit A-342 for the court labeled "The Journals" no thanks.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
incoherent

23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
sappy commercials. Get me everytime.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
light

25) Are you paranoid?
Is Al Gore a boring blowhard?

26) Are you impatient?
ALWAYS

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
this is 2007 who cares? (err I mean 2006)

29) Have you been burned by love?
Yes. but my nickname was the "Human Flame Thrower"
so I may mave been singed but there are a few guys
who have voodoo dolls in my likeness. P*ssys

30) What's your favorite pick up line?
no pick up line just a simple statement (to a coworker bringing in his wife or girl in for the first time) that's funny: "Wow, you got a new girlfriend...I didn't like the girl you had in here yesterday she was A BITCH"

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
Clint Eastwood by the Gorrilaz

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
lets see...I was scared....there was an awful storm.

33) What did the last text on your cell phone say?
confirmation plans for dinner in Springfield on Monday.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
funny you should ask...I fell asleep in the tub and then my husband then woke me up from a perfectly comfy sleep to drag me in bed, atleast I think it was my hubby....and my tub....and my house.

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
generic cotton tee.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
Sid and Nancy. Can't get enough of that

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
ipod, palm pilot, cell phone (nerd nerd nerd)

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
floral pattern

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
about 70 and change

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
entrails....and for personal reasons I'd rather not go into right now.

41) What's your favorite town/city?
L'Enfant Plaza in DC ...great shops and snobby gays,
you gotta love it.

42) I can't wait till:
this fucking quiz is over, what is this "War and Peace"?

43) Who got you to join MySpace?
I joined because all the cool kids were doing it. No, I had other motives...spying on friends and family.

44) What did you have for dinner last night
Queen Victoria Filet, sweet potato and coconut shrimp
for my birthday dinner at the Outback steakhouse and the lame employees sang me happy birthday...even though I requested this I pretended that I was slightly embarassed.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5 foot whatever you stalker! How big is your schlong? huh? huh? no answer? I thought so. tables turned. score one for Nat

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
No. I'd like to keep my teeth and possessions

47) Do you own a gun?
Yes a purty black .44 special

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water or agua

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
my cunning wit and ability to make them think they can't get anyone better. and a little GHB in the drink helps.

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
probably I am planning on looking up the symptons more carefully so I can complain to my doctor that I have it so I can get that Lindsay Lohan med Adderal

51) What time did you wake up today?
about 8am

52) Current worry?
getting the convertible inspected, those goddamn grifter mechanics see a lady and think it's payday.

53) Current hate?
where to start? illegal aliens taking the jobs I don't want. Hollywood liberals, lawn chairs, traffic, snobby foreigners, working, car payments, unresponsible teens. ect ect ect

54) Favorite place to be?
In the backyard reading the tabs

55) Where would you like to travel?
Within the USA, fuck those foreigners they all hate us so why bother wasting the money on airfare. I could easily recreate the experience at McDonalds by having a mexican spit on my burger than dropping a few
grand to go to Paris and have them piss in my soup.

56) What do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully out of Virginia...I swear I think it takes a Government pardon to be released.

57) Last thing you ate?
a 4 dollar hotdog from Wolftrap. (not woth it.....at all)

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Sister Sledge, Stones. Rob base, Slick Rick, Bowie. Sinatra, Sir Mix Alot whateva

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
an awful singer in Lord of the Dance. Her voice was so HIGH it made small babies in the audience cry. seriously.

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
unexplained seizure probably from Vioxx....I need to jump on that legal banwagon I have neurology reports to prove it....did Cochran die? He seemed like a bitchin' lawyer all crooked and preacher-like.

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
I can only imagine the amount of myspacers who are mesmerized by the hue of my blue skin.

62) What's your favorite candy?
skittles, but the rainbow taste like shit

63) What song do you want played at your funeral?
the last song on my playlist "I did it My Way" By Frank Sinatra although I wish he made a song " I did it mostly my way" anyway, that's the song and it's in my living will so if they don't play it I will haunt them.

word.

I'm just a patriotic mess.

2007-09-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

originally posted: July 7, 2006

Ok, so it all starts innocently enough.

As per my daily routine I read my gossip sites starting with
The New York Post Page Six. I prefer nonsense news over actual news because it's less depressing. The lead article that day was about George (douche) Clooney's former agent who hightailed it out of Hollywood to film the documentary "Young Americans" about U.S. Marines fighting insurgents in Iraq (read about it here) My heart starts pumping red, white and blue and I immediately go to Pat Dollard's site and view clips of his documentary:

After viewing the clips I am so impressed I donate money to offset his production costs...oh yeah I also buy the CD "Blood for Blood Outlaw Anthems" that is featured in the documentary. Okay. I get a nice email from Pat Dollard thanking me for the donation. It should have stopped there. But I never do anything in moderation. I immediately join two more patriotic organizations which I commended myself for. The third time is the charm so I go one step further and adopt a soldier! I made sure it was someone who lives far away from me because the last thing I need is some shell shocked veteran knocking on my door looking for his new "Mommy". I chose a soldier from Minnesota, In my vivid imagination he is somehow related to music idol Prince, but he is taller and has beard stubble...anyway I digress. I made sure my soldier was on the front lines and not some pampered pretty boy wasting time in Biloxi Mississippi. Hell, if I am shelling out money I want an authentic G.I. Joe or in this case G.I. Joshua. So I chose about 60 dollars worth of stuff off of his gift list. Being patriotic is a pain in my ass and my pocket. I wonder if Joshua will appreciate my gifts? I wonder if there really is a Joshua? Who is to say that this isn't some scam created by some ex-convict in order to get my credit card information, create new accounts in my name and screw up my credit? Shit now I have to go and check my credit report!

I know these donations will get the Republican National Party on my back again!

Damn! Why was I born with a heart? I am such a mark.

Updates and Observations

2007-09-27T01:22:00.000-07:00

originally posted: October 13, 2006

Updates and Observations

I am finding myself less interested in TV these days and this worries me. In this past I planned my schedule around it. The only shows I watch are Project Runway, Dancing with the 'tards, Lost, and House Hunters

Speaking of House Hunters (a show hosted by Suzanne Whang on HGTV) It is a show I love to hate. I watch these people (tastefully dress yuppies) looking at 600k houses and I pray that they go into foreclosure. "oh Kitty these tile counter tops are hideous we must replace them with granite!"

Because of a medical crisis I am no longer working and I am bored to death. Careful what you wish for, you may get it...well I guess it beats working. huh? whatever.

That soldier that I "adopted" (see this post ) hasn't even written a thank you note! I know that he is in combat put puh-lease! I am no mere citizen, I could have been his sugar-momma.

I no longer answer my phone because of solicitors and political ball busters. My advice? NEVER register with any political party it's like getting tele-herpes they pop up and irritate you every few months. It has gotten so bad that I have changed my outgoing message to French to confuse the hell out of them.

I noticed this evening that Sam Sugar deleted me from his friends list, I have never met this person and never will and I won't say I am offended but still..
I think he is very talented and he will remain on my top ten list because he is
superfine, totally rad and groovy. He is playing hard to get....just like K-Fed.

I am not as smart as I think. I just realized that the other day. There is no denying that I am clever, even Sam Sugar will agree with that, but as of late I am lacking in basic logic skills. I imagine it comes from growing up in a toxic neighborhood, and not that innumerable toxic substances that I voluntarily took during my high school years.

My daughter has relinquished custody of her Quaker parrot to me and he is already become as belligerent and egomaniacal as me. He (or she) curses, bites and
is generally very rude. Under my tutelage I have taught this bird to say my name, curse and bounce his head like he jez don't care. He is diggin the new K-Fed tune
"Privilege". I want to change his name to Andrew Jackson or Cha-Cha
because "Mr. Nibbles" is so gay.

Kiss Me DeadLee

2007-09-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

originally posted: November 27, 2006

We always want what we can't have.

Case in point: my fascination with homosexual hip-hop star DEADLEE

I have no idea how I landed on Deadlees page but one look is all it took. As Oprah says: if there are small children in the room send them out of the room because his songs are (like him) very saucy. My favorite is "Carnival in the mind". Deadlee is a sexy mofo who has a huge following of equally sexy gay guys...and then there is me....essentially his irritating and unwanted fag hag. I have posted comments on his page which until last night I thought were ignored by him and then this lands in my inbox:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DEADLEE
Date: Nov 21 2006 2:58 AM

crap goddayum mutha fuck it piss ! carnival

--------------------------------------------------------

one of ~~two~~ three things have happened

1. He is sick of my daily comments on his page and wants me to scare me away

or

2. Realizing that we are soul mates he is running some new rap lyrics by his newest bluest fan

hmmmm....or

3. He read my blog and saw I have voted Republican

Our only barrier is him being gay and my being married. Damn damn damn!!!!

Just look at this man:

..

just look at him he is -gorgeous- I think he is faking this whole "gay" thing for marketing purposes.

Trying to play hard to get with me....mmmmm

<

The Steaming 40 (questions)

2007-09-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

originally posted: 06-21-07

The Steaming 40

1. What does your MySpace quote mean?

To Lazy to be Famous: Based on a true story. Kind of self explanatory

2. Elaborate on your default photo:

Anna Nicole Smurfette - she is the smurf that was kicked out of
the village for reason we won't go into (as per the terms of the confidentiality agreement)

3. Who is the first person on your top 8?

Suhweat

4. What's your relationship with the people in your top 8/10/12/16/24?

1. Suhweat - never met but she is funny and believes in
all important republican causes

2. Jade - I chose her simply because she is gorgeous. perfect hair, perfect features.

3. SickBitch - never met her but she seems almost as cool as me

4. Lady Z - married to .. 10. Modern day Ingrid Bergman

5. TurdFerg - she is me, with a college degree

6. Carlita - took over this spot when Billie disappeared for the 20th time

7. DeadLee - Homo hip-hop artist who is da bomb

8. Ed Gein - the only person I met in real life, hilarious guy

9. Charlie aka Cha-Cha - opinionated jerk....the male version of me

10. Patrick - married to .. 4 my most poetic friend

11. Sammy Sugar - I added him because he's good looking and will probably be a star

12. Smiley - I keep him on my top ten because he is cute....and to annoy him (I am sure he's rather not be there)

5. What exactly are you wearing?

University of Virginia hoodie and Lederhosen

6. What is your current problem?

I hate hearing other peoples problems so I will not answer
this question. Although I am sure all my issues are way more
interesting than yours.

7. What do you love most?

shopping

8. What makes you most happy?

shopping and getting a great deal

9. Are you musically inclined?

Oh heavens no

10. Which shoe goes on first?

zzzzzzzzz........boring

11. If you could go back in time, and change something?

I wouldn't have pulled the trigger and had to live a life on the
run. ok, that's bullshit. I guess I would have been nicer to some
people.

12. Ever have a near death experience?

several

14. Name an obvious quality you have:

sardonic wit

15. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?

Manitoba - Tapes & Tapes

16. Any celeb you would marry?

Provided he renounced his fagdom DeadLee

17. Who will cut and paste this first?

Billie

18. Name someone with the same birthday as you:

Errol Flynn

19. Do you have a crush on someone?

Crushes require a heart. word.

20. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?

of course

21. Been in a fight? physical?

Yes I was a scrapper

22. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

not that I remember

23. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?

intestines

24. What do you usually order from Starbucks?

WTF what do you think? a beverage. This is a stupid questionaire

26. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

no I will leave that to the depressed teenage girls. boo frickin' hoo

27. Say something totally random about you?

I have a bird on my shoulder

28. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Some asshole said I looked like Tonya Harding (white trash ice skater)
when I wore my hair up...prick.

29. How old are you?

huh? whhhhat?

21. Do you wear a watch?

I own several but don't wear one...reminds me of my time in lock-up.
oh wait...that was bullshit I was never in jail.

22. Do you have anything pierced?

ears whoo hoo I'm a rebel

23. Do you have any tattoos?

oh heavens no

24. Do you like pain?

not receiving it

25. Do you like to shop?

yes yes yes

26. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

a short-action EMP 1911 with the serial numbers scratched off,
I'm hardcore. again, that was bullshit.

27. What was the last thing you paid for with a credit card?

boring shit. bedding cat food ect

28. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

my friend

29. What is on your desktop background?

an image from threadless.com

33. Do you like redheads?

sure, I am one....as long as I keep up my appointments at the salon

34. Do you know any twins?

yes, and they are ALL weird! they have "twin speak"
drug habits or deformities.

35. Do you have any weird relatives?

all my relatives would answers yes...referring to me.

36. What was the last movie you watched?

A history of Violence

37. What was the last book you read?

A Hundred little Hitlers by Elinor Langer

38. Did you or do you go to college?

a few classes...but why bother when you can buy the shirts?

39. What is your favorite pair of trousers that you own?

Trousers? who says that anymore? Who wrote this? Peter Graves?

40. Is Geminat the coolest person on Myspace?

oh hell yeah!

Before I forget : Part 1 Four Weddings AND a Funeral?

2007-09-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

originally posted: April 4, 2007

I think I am losing my mind, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Who doesn't want to forget a part of their past? I don't know if
my memory loss is temporary, due to prescribed mediciation or
caused by living near a government testing facility as a child.

I was shocked yesterday when I forgot that Elizabeth Berkley's character in
Showgirls was named "Nomi Malone". I pride myself on my knowledge
of meaningless trivia. I knew that cinematic masterpiece like that back
of my forehead and I forgot Nomi?!! I was shook. So I said to myself
"Self, you need to use your journal for something more than complaining
about your Mexican neighbors!" and here we are.

Part One: Part 1 Four Weddings & a Funeral?

The year was 1990something. It started innocently enough as a prank.
I wanted to get something unusual for my Mom so I became ordained
through The Ministries of Salvation and gave her my framed certificate.
That should have been the end of it but noooo, I had to brag about it and
show off my laminated Reverend card to friends. Now word was out on
the streets that there was a Ordained Minister available to the unwashed
masses of Northern Virginia. The thing is, I have a really bad track
record with my (performed) marriages. Confused? Let me explain.

Wedding number one: My first time! strictly ceremonial. This ceremony was
for a coworker and her boyfriend, I had it all planned, I wrote the vows (how rude)
Being the smart ass that I am I worked in "Do you promise to put up with her
PMS" I show up in jeans and they are dressed up in Gothic looking clothes. I ruined that one.

Duration: 2 years

Wedding number two: co-workers; female knocked up and in order to
get insurance for the baby's birth they needed to be married. Who ya gonna call?
you got it...Me.

Duration: The asshole didn't even stick around for the birth! Turns out he was
gay, He left her in Florida with his mother and he went to Texas.

Wedding number three: The worse! The groom whose name escape me but
I am sure can be found in a police line-up somewhere was high as a kite. I get
a call from my childhood friend begging me to perform a ceremony for her friends
who are leaving town. I say no problem, she gives me the "restaurants" name and
directions and the countdown begins. In the interim I talk to my sister and give
her the restaurants name and she said "are you sure?" in a worried tone. It was too late to cancel. I show up to this restaurant (aka Redneck Biker Bar) dressed in a cute summer outfit which was in stark contrast to the sea of leather and Harley Davidson T-shirts before me. It wasn't until I got there that I was informed that I would be performing the ceremony on a platform and the bride would be coming down the aisle on the back of a motorcycle! I wanted to run but I was too scared! I was introduced to the groom who as luck would have it was bailed out of jail earlier that morning. How did he thank me for doing this favor for him? By feeling me up! The bastardly groom was still high from the night before and was doing shots of Jagermeister right up to the moment of the ceremony. The bridesmaids were hard looking and were giving me dirty looks DURING the ceremony. I couldn't get out of the place fast enough! I have a picture of me with the bride and groom, you can see my discomfort in the photo, what with him feeling me up during it. I no longer am in contact with my childhood friend.

Duration: unknown. My sister swears that she saw an article in the paper about the bride dying in a suspicious fire shortly after the ceremony another friend said she was still above ground. It has almost become an Urban Legend.

Wedding number four: Another favor for a friend. The setting was a pool hall, the groom and bride were late. I have no idea who these people were, all that I know is that they were pissing me off by wasting my time. They were fighting right up until the ceremony's' start. The couple were biracial and I was sensing some family tension.

Duration: 0 days; they had a fight and never filed the papers.

I told myself I would not perform another ceremony after that one but ended up
performing a re-commitment ceremony for my husbands brother and his wife.
It was outdoorsy and romantic, the complete opposite of me.

never again.

FORTY QUESTIONS YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ASKED IN A SURVEY

2007-09-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

originally posted: 4-27-07

FORTY QUESTIONS YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ASKED IN A SURVEY

1. Do you know anyone in prison?
no

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace?
no, I'm grown.

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
about a week ago

4. Do you have a desk in your room?
yes...two of them

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
not intentionally

6. What kind of car insurance do you have?
I use Allstate. after, all former President David
Palmer from 24 recommends it.

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?
no, I like to say I am named after the only wood that
doesn't float.

8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you?
yes

9. Do you throw up gang signs?
lets see....I am a white girl living in a town
with about 40some gangs? hell to the no.

10. Have you ever broken a rib?
my own? no.

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
this is a stupid quiz.

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
Besides myself? one of my nieces I won't name names but
she is so charming she can get away with it

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
hmmm let me ponder this...money

14. Have you ever had sex in church?
I was three years old and it wasn't consensual...
he said I was pressuring him. (kidding)

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine??
no

16. Do you watch the Grammy's?
No, Grammy died many years ago she had
the old-timers disease.

17. Would you ever work for the border patrol?
Hell to the no. I prefer to hide behind my computer and
complain.

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship:
ongoing

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years older then you?
20 years, provided that they have a hefty insurance policy and have me listed as the beneficiary.

20. Have you ever had a eating disorder?
no and I don't understand the Karen Carpenters and Nicole Richies of the world and have a hard time drumming up sympathy for these drama queens. If you want to die, die.

21. Do you have a porn collection?
yes. Reality Porn: the Tom Sizemore video, a
2 part series XXX skank fest/ girls gone wild rip off
I won't even mention the contents.

22. How many proms have you been to in your life?
Zero.

23. Have you ever been in a inter-racial relationship?
I had a Peruvian boyfriend when I was a teenager...who failed
to mention he had a wife and a couple of kids...

24. Is your birthday on a holiday?
The birth of Natalie is a holiday in itself.

25. Are you old enough to vote?
Yes

26. Do you have any friends or family in the War right now???
Well there was that soldier that I adopted and sent a
care package to but since he didn't write a thank you
note to me, he is no longer in my world. A war is NO excuse for a lack of proper etiquette.

28. Do you worry about global warming?
I am sure I will be dead by the time Antarctica
turns into a tropical inferno so...not so much.

29. Do you like polar bears?
I did until that stupid baby Polar Bear Knut became
such a media whore.

30. Have you ever been cheated on?
who hasn't?

31. What kind of birth control do you use?
What kind of birth control do you use?

32. What slang word(s) do you call marijuana?
weed, pot, M.J. yes I remember the 80's

33. Are you an atheist?
I hate that word. Believing in nothing is still believing in something.

34. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?
Oh heavens no...

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
My childhood dream was to be an Astronomer because it seemed like an easy job. I am not working now, BUT I have hours to devote to TV and daydreaming about Homosexual rap star DEADLEE so I think things worked out great.

36. Do you wear your sweetie's clothes?
No.

37. What's your opinion on gold diggers?
gold digger? your soaking in it!

38. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
I am not a country girl.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher?
a 2006, a 1991 and a 1986. and not to brag I also have
a push lawn mower AND a riding lawn mower. Holla.

40. Do you floss daily?
Oh heavens no

.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ ¸.·´
¸.·´¸.·*`·-» Geminat...
(¸.·

It was my birthday....Phantom of the Opera....smelly bitch

2007-09-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

originally from June 21, 2007

Happy birthday to me!

So I get these SWEET box seats at The Kennedy Center for Phantom of The Opera and I am all psyched out UNTIL this bitch from the next box comes in smelling like a French whore!. She must have poured the whole effin' bottle on her. It totally ruined the show...stupid ho!

Hey That calls for a poem:

I was ready for a night on the town
looking all smokin' in a black evening gown
The usher guides us to our luxurious seats
It's was so nice I forget my aching feet

We are separated from the regular folk
who tickets costs so much less
I literally look down at them
That I must confess.

I am happy and content high in the air
until suddenly my senses are attacked
This hideous woman walks in
she almost makes me GAG!

Her perfume was so strong
and smelled so bleak
this bitch must have
bought this shit at the Dollar Tree

My eyes were watering
and my nose began to run
I wanted to strangle her
with her perfectly coiffed bun!

But no, I was lady
I kept my mouth shut
because it's bad etiquette
to call one a stupid slut.

:::here is my dream/embellished sequence ::::

So I stalked this bitch
after the show
trailed her like Hinkley
I was ready to blow

she got out of her car
I grabbed her purse
I found that fucking cologne
let out a foul curse

How dare you ruin
my wonderful evening
it's was my fucking birthday
you blond headed heathen!

I slapped her so hard
her bun came loose
this bitch's perfume
smelled like cheap booze

Struck down in the street
all beated to crap
I turned to her as I leave
"By the way you can call me Nat"

:::::end of dream/embellished sequence::::::::

I didn't say a damn thing to this doused down swill/chum wearing bitch...she must have won her tickets off of a radio contest for showing her tatas or something...damn
riff-raff!

Other than that....the show was GREAT

Paranoia Self Destoyer

2007-09-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

from August 1, 2007

I wake up at 4 am-ish disoriented by a bizarre dream about
and ex-boyfriend who shows up at my childhood home (95%
of my dreams take place at my childhood home what's up with that?)
We talk for a while, about what, I forget...anyway I go back to sleep and wake
up at 5 am-ish I go to get the paper and noticed that the moon is
out and this fascinates me to no end! I grab the paper and take a
seat and wait for the sun to come up or that fucking moon to go
away. In the meantime I am sure my neighbors driving to work are
wondering what the fuck I am doing looking at the sky like it is a
celestial tennis match..screw them I hate them anyway. While I wait
for this momentous event I amuse myself and read my local paper about
all the crimes in our area. Which begs the question:

Why do Mexicans most have 4 names? Rarely does it read:

"Maria Delgado, age 32 of no fixed address was arrested for possesion
of marijuana"

It's this:

Maria Delgado-Sanchez-Ramirez, age 32, of no fixed address was arrested for possesion of marijuana"

What's with all these extra names? Getting monograms must be a bitch.

Anyway. I witnessed the sunset rise and the mood fade away and my neighbors who witnessed me wandering around my yard like a spaced out moon goddess have probably called mental health services on me.

I go back to bed and sleep for two hours, wake up and turn on the Tivo. Tivo has a feature where it will tape programs according to your viewing habits so for whatever reason I got a program from the History channel entitled:

Countdown to Armageddon: Countdown to Armageddon.

(description)

Asteroids on a collision course with Earth, super volcanoes, global warming, killer viruses--all are potential catastrophes that threaten to wipe out life on our planet. Are these simply natural disasters that have been occurring since time immemorial? Or are these threats terrifying prophesies from the Bible that are at last coming true? Are our fears overblown? Or are the infamous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding among us in a countdown to Armageddon?

This was a two hour show and I am a very paranoid person so now I am going through my day wondering if I should do one of the following:

A: Go to a church and confess my numerous sins

B: Max out my credit cards before the The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come looking for me because I have broken every commandment...with relish.

C: Take another pill...because by tomorrow I'll forget this show and think I was watching the 80's cartoon "My Lil' Pony"

I'll go with "C"

But wait...there's more! It's not over.....around 4 pm there was a shiny black fast flying helicopter flying very low in my neighborhood, that heli-bitch shook my house!. I live between the Quantico Marine Corps Base and Washington DC...so Military helicopters are the norm here. BUT this one was different then the rest is was unmarked, very shiny and flying in a dangerously low manner...and hell, after seeing that fucking" Countdown to Armageddon" this is the last thing I wanted to see! Being the 'noid I am, I google "black helicopters" and this comes up:

Black helicopters are part of a conspiracy theory, especially prevalent among the United States militia movement, that claims that special unmarked black helicopters are used by secret agents of the New World Order, United Nations troops, and/or the Men in Black preparing to take control of the United States, or for other nefarious purposes.

Here is the same type of helicopter almost as sleek flying over someone else's house:

okay so now I know the worlds going to end, or some Goddamn covert operation is happening in my neighborhood...hopefully they are coming to pick up my Mexican neighbors three houses down, of course they would need about four or five helicopters to get all of them outta the house!

But wait theres more!

I turn on the TV and that Interstate 35W bridge in Minnesota collapse in four places and I am sure this is another sign mentioned in Revelations! A bridge like that just collapses? Because of a jack hammer? Nah. My theory is as follows:

1. The world is getting ready to end.

2. Illegal Mexicans workers used plastic screws instead of iron bolts to hold that bridge together.

3. Those black helicopters I was talking about had something to do with this.

oh shit I need to go to sleep I am losing my mind.

Is it boredom or immaturity?

2007-09-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

After spending the better part of my twenties dancing with Lady Bankruptcy, I am pleased that my credit is now pretty decent. I am getting pre-approved credit card offers on a near weekly basis. The key is not to accept these lines of credit..anyway So I had a little collection of sample credit cards. They're bogus cards (but authentic looking) that are imprinted with card no. 1234-56-7890 and YOUR NAME HERE. They are even made of plastic. I guess a mature person would throw them away, but not me! I thought it would be a better idea to throw them out of my car window at one block intervals in my 'hood. I don't know, I kind of like the idea of somebody thinking they found a platinum credit card and then realizing it's a fake.

Immature? hmmmm....yes. Regrets? hmmm...yes.

I regret not being able to see the look on their faces when they pick up Mrs. Your Name Here's card.

34 more lame questions

2007-09-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

Another pointless Myspace questionnaire, I stole this one from my niece.

1. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?
Heavens no...he is either in Prison or a nursing home.

2. Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone else?
Being rejected and I don't take to that kindly, I am so surprised
that I haven't done time.

3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Leif Garret Olivia Newton John and whatever my brothers and
sisters listened too. Being the youngest child in a family of six did
have it's drawbacks...last in line for record player. a what?

4. What is the best thing about your current job?
That is doesn't exist! But my boss sucks. Huh?

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class?
Here's the thing...I will be on MY cellphone complaining
about the asshole driving in front of me talking on hers.

6. What's the last thing you drank?
An Anti-freeze and Redbull spritzer

7. Have you been on a date in the past week?
Date? That word no longer exists in my vernacular
I am after all, married.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Mama wants to go to Vegas but I am sure thats
just a pipe dream.

9. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
ha ha ha! Oh Heavens no!

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
old. I don't like socializing...at all.

11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
oh my gosh...that describe the better part of my high school years.

12. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No...and what is the point, who wants to be choking
on that orange lint?

13. Who are you voting for in 2008? (I added this question)
Not Hilary! not Obama! not Thompson! Probably some crazy
fringe canidate no one has ever heard of.

14. Did you cry at your high school graduation?
graduashon....huh? whutz that? that conscept is foreign to me.

15.Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?
I prefer the blinds drawn.

16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
In bed or in a chair. oh, I guess I was supposed to
mention restaurants.

17. What could you tolerate...someone who snores or a sleep walker?
My husband snores, occasionally I plug his nose and cover his mouth ya know, for kicks? I would prefer he sleep walk because this snoring is getting as old as my first boyfriend in question one.

18. What currently is your favorite TV show?
Mad Men (on AMC) it is the most awesome show in years,
that and Meerkat Manor (Animal Planet) and
the cheese-fest known as "Sunset Tan".

19. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
They don't who wants to get on my bad side? Being on my good
side is scary enough.

20. What's your worst personality flaw?
People (and by people I mean my husband) would say my desire to stay unemployed for the rest of my life. That would be the sin of Sloth

21. Have you ever gone to therapy?
Therapy is a joke! You have to pay someone to listen to you and you just know they are thinking "this person is a total fuck-up! Thank God I'm getting paid for this shit"

22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
With the right amount of pharmaceuticals, sure.

23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?
Probably during my Ambien phase. Who knows what the
fuck I did during the Ambien phase. It was the best sex
that my husband had and I don't remember....
ugh I know TOO MUCH INFO!

24. Are you Irish in any way?
Auburn hair, green eyes, family history of alcoholism? Yes

25. Have you ever ridden in a U-Haul?
No, who would want to? It brings to mind urine.

26. Do you like to play Scrabble?
No one in my family will play with me, except maybe my mom
who is way way way too smart. Ask her she'll tell you.

27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
No and why bother only fat old people and pedophiles go there.Why do people bring their kids there? "Look Tommy it's Mr. Fitzpatrick the 65 year old bachelor with the polaroid camera! Go ahead and pose, it's okay he used to be a Catholic priest"

28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?
ugh....memories.

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Not that I recall....although I did have the drink.

30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
bail money...it's inevitable. boo-yah

31. What was the last gift card you received?
Itunes...how sad is it that I bought it for myself.

32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes, one summer we bought on of those ghetto above ground pools and me and the hubby went skinny dipping. That pool lasted less than one season...eventually it became a mosquito pit.

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?
Yeah and it blows. But it does show you how stupid drunk people look.

34. What do you do when you spot a bug in your house?
Blame it on my neighbor and forget the fact that I haven't washed the dishes in days. But seriously, my neighbor who is a insect-a-phobe set off about 40 bug bombs in her house AND called an exterminator and those fucking bugs try to infiltrate my Lair! It didn't last long, apparently roaches don't care for spices and condiments. I need to go grocery shopping more often.

Mindless Chatter From The Mad Hatter

2007-09-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

1. What is a question that people ask you that always gets on your nerves?
"So....when are you due?" or "Are you okay?" or Hi, Natalie How are you?" or generally anyone speaking to me.

2. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?
a sense of humor that at times offends people. That's not a flaw.

3. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you have ever had?
Tie: I had an impacted root canal that was close to poisoning my brain had to go to the ER got a shot of Demerol and I was in love...with the drug. Second, Back pain which let to back surgery which led to lots of pain killers so you see every cloud has a silver lining.

4. What number of drinks constitutes your limit?
When my inner voice burps.

5. Do you fold your underwear?
No, I was kicked out of the Nazi Party years ago
for my lack off "oar-duh!" I'm kidding you sensitive
pricks! I don't fold anything!

6. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?
Seeing that I have the penmanship of a retarded 3rd grader I try to keep my hand written notes to a minimum. I did fax a letter to my neurologist hoping she'd get me out of Jury Duty...Ding Dang it worked y'all!

7. Have you fired a gun before?
of course! and surprisingly there were no casualties.

8. Name someone you consider a genius.
Leonardo DiVinci, Bobby Fisher and K-Fed

9. What was your favorite childhood toy?
Raggedy Ann and Posey Pixie

10. Name a sound that disturbs you.
Whistling or Glass pack mufflers (ghetto car garb)

11. Name something random that you would never do.
actively seek gainful employment.

12. Name a person who's diary you would love to read:
Britney Spears

[ begin entry]

Dear Dairy,
ok like so i got so much stressez in my life i am bum crazy, my critters are always screaming and the robitussin aint helpin' anymore! I think i'll try 2 give them some of my rum slushies yee haw! that'll help them...kids need struksure! Little Sean ain't gettin' 2 bed til 2 am !
He should be in bed by atleast midnight dam! im still hopin' that guy i hooked up with at that vegas hotel calls me he wuz all kinds of hot! today I shaved my cooter I hope it shows up on TMZ ding dang y'all! LOL! im interviewing new nannys 2day one is totally hot and
wears the same size as me, she is a shoe in LOL. note 2 me: get more RX lollipops from Dr. Papadopolis and some medicinal marijuana for my yeast infection. my new lawyer is a jerk he wants me to stop going out! yah thatll happen.

love Brit-Brit

[end entry]

13. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Yes, but at this juncture I have forgotten the dream/dreams or possible realities.

14. Name something that makes you happy.
television and long stretches of sleep

15. Name something that made you laugh today.
My husband something slightly humorous like "get a job"

16. What is on your refrigerator door?
pictures, takeout menus and magnets

17. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what would it be?
Kelly ( fair skin, auburn hair and green eyes) those fucking racists

18. Name something about women that tends to be true.
I can't speak for all women but when I say "I love that sweater" or you look great!" I am thinking "ew..dollar tree have a sale?" and "This bitch let herself go" Fergie was right, women are evil bitches.

19. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Sublime....of course.

20. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Breast...what? huh? scratch that.

21. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
who knows? I probably put it in a myspace bulletin, I am akin to a Gremlin, Keep out of daylight, don't feed (ambien) after midnight, don't get wet. If those rules are broken I could give up government secrets

22. What is your favorite line from a song?
I can't follow the rules of the question so I will
list my favorite verse:

Utopia - Goldfrapp
I'm wired to the world
That's how I know everything
I'm super brain
That's how they made me

23. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Probably almost as harshly I as I talk about them. Actually I rarely talk to anyone by choice...too much of a chore.

24. What movie do you know every line to?
Scarface, Gattaca, Goodfellas, Sixteen Candles, ect ect ect

25. Are you wanting any tattoos and piercing?
nope nada nil. it's a sin to desecrate ones body.
internally, well, that is a different story entirely.

26. Would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos?
Probably not...unless he was a seedy Carnie with a checkered past..

27. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite?
Opposite. call me MLKG all the Men Love Kool Geminat

28.Who was the last person to make you mad?
My crazy white trash neighbors who were arguing tonight on their porch...bastards wouldn't raise their voices loud enough for me to hear!

29.Name one place you would rather be?
sleeping, oh why must I be cursed with insomnia?
PS. Restoril sucks!

The ABC’s of Natalie

2007-09-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

I am always snaking these "surveys" from my nieces and nephews...The
surveys target market (and Myspace) is for teenagers but who cares? It's
3:30 am and I can't sleep so I am going to complete this survey come hell or the Rock of Gibraltar.

Here goes nothing:

[A] - available? available to what? I just know this survey was written by some 50
year old teacher trying to get stats on teenagers, Well your out of luck needle dick
because...actually you are in luck because I'm married and had we met I probably
would have just for kicks brought along a camera saying "Do you know your on Dateline?"

[B] - birthday? There you go again you demented freak! If I could say anything to the children on myspace it would be to keep your personal info PRIVATE. Who wants to
end up on a milk carton...or even worse chained up in some sweaty guys basement?
Didn't any of your see Saw? Saw II/ Saw III? Hostel? Daddy Day Camp? Those things could happen.

[C] - crushing? Crushing? so now this demented defect is fantasizing about crushing my skull? Well fuck you you creepy son of a beast! keep your pick axe away!

[D] - last drink you had? toilet water, what's it to your Mr. Nosy Pants? Looking to spike my drink with some GBA { gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid} and have your way? think again! I have a can of Mace with your name on it.

[E] - easiest person to talk to? The voices in my head

[F] - fav. color? coagulated red blood avaulable at Home Depot..and Hot Topic

[G] - gummy bears or gummy worms? Chicklets. Ask a stupid question you get a stupid answer

[H] - hometown? Listen Poindexter turn off your google map, zip up your pants and move on to your next victim. I'm not playing your sick games!

[I] - ill? I'm starting to feel ill, coincidently after I started taking this goddamn survey!

[J]- juggle? does this something to do with your old saggy hairy balls? gross!

[K] - killed someone? depends, give me your name number and address.

[L] - longest car ride? the car was 16 feet long.

[M] - milkshake flavor? vanilla. ice, milk, coffee liquor

[N] -number of siblings? 3 sisters 2 brothers 1 step brother 1 step sister a great step-sister in law and a partridge in a pear tree or something like that

[O] - one wish? That [O] thru [Z] answered themselves

[P] - person you called last? my friend

[Q] - queer? I am no queer, but if lets say, Jodie Foster came on to me I would probably reciprocate and probably even babysit her brats. Mama needs some money and Jodie is looking fine! But I am not a fay-guh.

[R] - reasons to smile? we are at [R] and past the midway point

[S] - song you last heard? "Call my name" by Prince. That man is a fine piece of chocolate

[T] - time you woke up this morning? 1:26 pm-ish

[U] - underwear color? back off Padre! I imagine your undies are all holey and stained and around your ankles. Pull them back up your disgraceful man!

[V] - vegetarian? I flirted with Vegetarianism for a short time and then I got pregnant and didn't want to give birth to a 3 pound gray baby so I started eating meat again. So fuck you PETA, Pamela Anderson, Alicia Silverstone and whatever naked skanks they have posing for them these days.

[W] -worst habit? I was told I snore...yeah right as if. I sleep the sleep of angels. my other worse habit is shopping..and taking a joke to far. (sowwy Your Honorable Percy XhXrXoX (RIP) Those adult magazines were a joke, hope your wife didn't get too upset, I would hope after that you would learn to be a little more courteous to people who are voluntarily testifing in a court case. )

[X] - xray's you had? too many to count and/or remember and might I add a totally stupid question.

[Y] - your number of friends on myspace? lots of unclose and impersonal friends I never met and will never meet but I'm sure will show up at my Vegas Style funeral.

[Z] - zodiac sign? Gemini - dual personalities ones a bitch and the other is a Çüñ†

.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ ¸.·´
¸.·´¸.·*`·-» Geminat...
(¸.·